Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I am very upset about the death of Heath Ledger
Heath, always a pet favorite of mine, has died. I loved him early on and the movie "Brokeback Mountain" IS the definitive movie for the gay culture as well.
Played with great excellence by a man devoid of homophobia, a real actor, this is a blow not only to me but to all people and including the admiration and respect he culled from the gay community at large.
This is sooo wrong that he died!! Its heartbreaking!!! :(
Played with great excellence by a man devoid of homophobia, a real actor, this is a blow not only to me but to all people and including the admiration and respect he culled from the gay community at large.
This is sooo wrong that he died!! Its heartbreaking!!! :(
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Ok I should start blogging again. This shall be called "Myriad thoughts of a wayward youth" (wayward?!? Ha! yeah right, I recommend reincarnation )
Myriad thoughts
Current mood: pensive
In my very young youth.. I was very present in the moment, I was very conscious of how young I was. In fact, I once screamed into the skies "IM YOUNG! IM YOUNG!!!" A moment of very conscious living, in that present pinpoint of time. Yeah, I actually screamed that.. lol.. I was so CONSCIOUS of how I had it all on my side, of how young I was.. but you just can't HOLD ON TO IT.. damn.. you just can't hold on to it...
You can only do the best you can.. to look young and believe in not aging and always strive to improve, and have PEOPLE like yourself around you that will remind you of what good there is to have in life. Your peers are the ones that share this experience with you..and that you can relate to so much, and laugh about it with.. these..trials and errors of youth and the fears and/or expectations of the future, of aging, of changing.. of ..whatever.
My life feels doubly long because of my experiences, the experiences that changed me and added to me. Change meaning improve; adding, meaning becoming more full bodied.
For instance I moved so many times, for so many people, had so many relationships, adopted my first cat Lucy in 1989, Dustee later, had break ups, new jobs, left old jobs, got laid off, made new friends, lost those friends, had dalliances with "Lovers", went to clubs, went to Dennys a million times later lol.. god maybe I suffer from Dennys gut..the aftermath of 15 yrs of occasional Denny's!! All the experiences I had while in all my relationships, moving, traveling, eating together, going to clubs, visiting my family, taking my little sister to Pizza Hut, which was diagonally across from Encounters the gay bar the whole time .. now that Pizza Hut is a mideastern restaurant... all the people I chatted with online, had problems with, had laughs with, all the surfing, all the people I met one time and never met again, all the times I went to the ocean alone, or with someone, all the restaurants I went to with friends, girlfriends, family members, and ALONE...(thats what sunglasses are REALLY for) all the drinking, experimenting with hypnosis, metaphysical/spiritual experiences, VISIONS, animals I loved and lost, animals I love now, amusement parks, parks, bbq's, stimulating and boring conversations, laughter and tears... watching my nieces and nephews get older, hating being called "auntie", the roommate experience, the aftermath of that.. losing my poor Fiona when she ran away, and Beltane after that... feeling sad every time I bike past the area where I lost them, even to this day.. WHERE ARE YOU FIONA??! I always ask, more than beltane who is Guide's mom!! Where is Fiona!! When will I know???
All the reading, all the writing, poetry, emails, letters, expressiveness, being appreciated, not being heard at all...the emphatic reasoning, the screaming because I wasn't being listened to, the men and women who rave about how "Intriguing" I am, most of them being ignored by me because it was too overwhelming, where do I begin? Compliments.. so many compliments.. some parties, never staring enough at the stars, what happened, I only went camping once, back problems, developing anxiety,becoming depressed, finding my way out of depression, being alone a lot after so many experiences with other people.. other women mainly.. the expectations of what it would be like to be with men again, the disappointment of not finding any man that I would want to settle down with.. watching everyones life revolve and flow, come together and break up, helping, always helping other people, noticing almost everyone except maybe three people I know, involved with significant others, as they assume I don't need anyone and am so "strong".. haha.. don't you hate that... Ok maybe I should just finally adopt my new role, as cub scout den mother, the very "strong" cub scout den mother, the one that is satisfied with her place under the heavens, doesn't need anyone, would like to have someone though, if its exciting enough, but wears a hat and helps kids color. (vomits now)..lol....
I get an image of Kathy Bates when I think of that sort of person.. Im not that strong.. Im still human!! (well partly he he)
All that as a whole and everything else that existed that I can't even remember right now ..all the minute detail.. stuffed in to all that time...within the last 15-20 years matured and formed and shaped me. I had next to no experience when I was a teen or in my early 20's. I barely had a LIFE back then.. although I started working very early.. around 8 yrs old I think... painting in San Marino of all things.. I was in charge of painting all the window panes, which I hated so much.. never having a normal, fun, disciplined, steady childhood, never having any rites of passage, its no wonder i loved clubs so much as an adult and still do. I was in my heyday with clubs I think though, in the late 80's and 90's cus it was so new to me then.
I was not sufficiently ready to settle down into any relationships in the 80's and most of the 90's, but I did. Thats why they did not last. In every one I was in, no matter how much I loved the person, I always had a sense that I had not sown my wild oats. Not knowing HOW to do that tho, and not being promiscuous, I just put it in the back of my mind. I STILL feel that though, I think because my experiences with humans are so FAR AND FEW BETWEEN, if I had many many experiences, for a few years solid, I might finally get it out of my system. Its not my nature to be promiscuous, so that flame is always lit.. always there, and I don't deny it, I can't hide it, I wouldnt want to pretend its not there.
As mature as I was when I was younger, I had so much to learn. I have come so far, and I don't have relationships now because I no longer HAVE to. I have nothing left to learn, I don't need them. Thats why they aren't coming.
Now when I finally have a relationship its going to be because its a complement to me, not because I have to "learn" through pain or hard experiences. I always had to "learn stuff" before. I think I was an angel before I came here.. I have a lot of evidence gathered now, that I was one. An angel is a powerful alien like being.. but coming to Earth they tend to make a lot of mistakes because they can't let go of people that are hurting them. They are detached to the pain of Earth in a way, and see it as necessary, even when its not.. and it takes a while for them to realize what is best, when they themselves are involved and to realize what is not necessary. Skimming the cream off the top, is a very good idea..and not get messed up in the murky depth.. but how can a very caring compassionate person not get caught up in that. The very caring compassionate role gets ugly, and that person, becomes angry, and fights back, and then.. becomes as the other is, and then all confusion breaks out. I swam in the depth of too many people, thinking that was a good thing. I am far too curious.
Current mood: pensive
In my very young youth.. I was very present in the moment, I was very conscious of how young I was. In fact, I once screamed into the skies "IM YOUNG! IM YOUNG!!!" A moment of very conscious living, in that present pinpoint of time. Yeah, I actually screamed that.. lol.. I was so CONSCIOUS of how I had it all on my side, of how young I was.. but you just can't HOLD ON TO IT.. damn.. you just can't hold on to it...
You can only do the best you can.. to look young and believe in not aging and always strive to improve, and have PEOPLE like yourself around you that will remind you of what good there is to have in life. Your peers are the ones that share this experience with you..and that you can relate to so much, and laugh about it with.. these..trials and errors of youth and the fears and/or expectations of the future, of aging, of changing.. of ..whatever.
My life feels doubly long because of my experiences, the experiences that changed me and added to me. Change meaning improve; adding, meaning becoming more full bodied.
For instance I moved so many times, for so many people, had so many relationships, adopted my first cat Lucy in 1989, Dustee later, had break ups, new jobs, left old jobs, got laid off, made new friends, lost those friends, had dalliances with "Lovers", went to clubs, went to Dennys a million times later lol.. god maybe I suffer from Dennys gut..the aftermath of 15 yrs of occasional Denny's!! All the experiences I had while in all my relationships, moving, traveling, eating together, going to clubs, visiting my family, taking my little sister to Pizza Hut, which was diagonally across from Encounters the gay bar the whole time .. now that Pizza Hut is a mideastern restaurant... all the people I chatted with online, had problems with, had laughs with, all the surfing, all the people I met one time and never met again, all the times I went to the ocean alone, or with someone, all the restaurants I went to with friends, girlfriends, family members, and ALONE...(thats what sunglasses are REALLY for) all the drinking, experimenting with hypnosis, metaphysical/spiritual experiences, VISIONS, animals I loved and lost, animals I love now, amusement parks, parks, bbq's, stimulating and boring conversations, laughter and tears... watching my nieces and nephews get older, hating being called "auntie", the roommate experience, the aftermath of that.. losing my poor Fiona when she ran away, and Beltane after that... feeling sad every time I bike past the area where I lost them, even to this day.. WHERE ARE YOU FIONA??! I always ask, more than beltane who is Guide's mom!! Where is Fiona!! When will I know???
All the reading, all the writing, poetry, emails, letters, expressiveness, being appreciated, not being heard at all...the emphatic reasoning, the screaming because I wasn't being listened to, the men and women who rave about how "Intriguing" I am, most of them being ignored by me because it was too overwhelming, where do I begin? Compliments.. so many compliments.. some parties, never staring enough at the stars, what happened, I only went camping once, back problems, developing anxiety,becoming depressed, finding my way out of depression, being alone a lot after so many experiences with other people.. other women mainly.. the expectations of what it would be like to be with men again, the disappointment of not finding any man that I would want to settle down with.. watching everyones life revolve and flow, come together and break up, helping, always helping other people, noticing almost everyone except maybe three people I know, involved with significant others, as they assume I don't need anyone and am so "strong".. haha.. don't you hate that... Ok maybe I should just finally adopt my new role, as cub scout den mother, the very "strong" cub scout den mother, the one that is satisfied with her place under the heavens, doesn't need anyone, would like to have someone though, if its exciting enough, but wears a hat and helps kids color. (vomits now)..lol....
I get an image of Kathy Bates when I think of that sort of person.. Im not that strong.. Im still human!! (well partly he he)
All that as a whole and everything else that existed that I can't even remember right now ..all the minute detail.. stuffed in to all that time...within the last 15-20 years matured and formed and shaped me. I had next to no experience when I was a teen or in my early 20's. I barely had a LIFE back then.. although I started working very early.. around 8 yrs old I think... painting in San Marino of all things.. I was in charge of painting all the window panes, which I hated so much.. never having a normal, fun, disciplined, steady childhood, never having any rites of passage, its no wonder i loved clubs so much as an adult and still do. I was in my heyday with clubs I think though, in the late 80's and 90's cus it was so new to me then.
I was not sufficiently ready to settle down into any relationships in the 80's and most of the 90's, but I did. Thats why they did not last. In every one I was in, no matter how much I loved the person, I always had a sense that I had not sown my wild oats. Not knowing HOW to do that tho, and not being promiscuous, I just put it in the back of my mind. I STILL feel that though, I think because my experiences with humans are so FAR AND FEW BETWEEN, if I had many many experiences, for a few years solid, I might finally get it out of my system. Its not my nature to be promiscuous, so that flame is always lit.. always there, and I don't deny it, I can't hide it, I wouldnt want to pretend its not there.
As mature as I was when I was younger, I had so much to learn. I have come so far, and I don't have relationships now because I no longer HAVE to. I have nothing left to learn, I don't need them. Thats why they aren't coming.
Now when I finally have a relationship its going to be because its a complement to me, not because I have to "learn" through pain or hard experiences. I always had to "learn stuff" before. I think I was an angel before I came here.. I have a lot of evidence gathered now, that I was one. An angel is a powerful alien like being.. but coming to Earth they tend to make a lot of mistakes because they can't let go of people that are hurting them. They are detached to the pain of Earth in a way, and see it as necessary, even when its not.. and it takes a while for them to realize what is best, when they themselves are involved and to realize what is not necessary. Skimming the cream off the top, is a very good idea..and not get messed up in the murky depth.. but how can a very caring compassionate person not get caught up in that. The very caring compassionate role gets ugly, and that person, becomes angry, and fights back, and then.. becomes as the other is, and then all confusion breaks out. I swam in the depth of too many people, thinking that was a good thing. I am far too curious.
Maybe I should start blogging again
Id hate to think thats the last thing people will read when they get here
LOL!
LOL!
