Im not tired at all and have to get up in 3.5 hours to bike 18 miles! I slept too damn late on sunday. I was supposed to meet Barrett and he had his issues to deal with.. lololol.. just kidding. He had all wkend to meet me.. he's someone I met online so damn long ago.. I can barely remember when we met. He seems to think he's aged like the portrait of dorian grey..and worries I will find that irksome. Anyway.. I finally got my electrical "insulation" wiring smell problem fixed and its NOT been back. The smell was still there even though the outlet was fixed and replaced actually be B. I met B on wed. and thurs. and he is a VERY nice person..and very down to earth. He lives rather far. So a HUGE weight has lifted off my back from the potential fire hazard that would have killed all my pets. Now I have another huge weight as I missed almost a whole weeks worth of work.. because I was afraid that the apt. would burn down to the ground as I would be gone so long. Its my final (probably) financial crisis and then I will be FINE. Well I dont want to create a work week where I am exhausted and have to wait till Sat. to recover.. so I will go now. To all a night good, and to all a goodnight!
Monday, July 26, 2004
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Why I normally don't get along with Scorpio MEN & selfish men most of all!
Ive noticed for quite a sustained period of time..that I don't seem to get along with scorpio men. They aren't really LIKE ME in many ways.. they are too staid, dull, intense, jealous, secretive, and crazy. You would think.. who would get along with someone that exhibited all those traits? Girls..be careful. They will always project onto you, and truly believe that its you that has the problem, not them. I would say this is a less evolved man. Between Doug freaking out and ranting AT ME because I wanted him to stay at my apartment while I worked, so I wouldnt lose money, to J saying "fuck you" to me..because I didnt "feel grateful for the gift of the phone chargers" they can be really mannerless and mean. As mean as it gets...
The entire reason I stayed home..was that the GIFT of the phone charger which is NOT the right phone charger for my cell phone, overheated my bathroom wiring, creating a ricochet effect, frying the overhead lighting and burning out wires... This happened because someone wanted to cut corners.. well.. you can see the patterns forming here. Why would I be "grateful" for a gift that caused SO MUCH damage in my life..and has resulted in the loss of four days pay, which I will never see.. I guarantee you that! and thoughtless uncaring men will not even help me out of.. when they caused it? Can you imagine someone actually telling me I need to be grateful for a gift that caused all hell to break loose, which resulted in crying, anxiety, upset, and intense worry that my cats would be FRIED IF I WENT TO WORK??!?!?!? While the sender lived life to the fullest... planning on having sex with me, at some undesignated, but affirmed (to himself!) space-time coordinate in the Future!!!!
There are really some CLUELESS people out there. I don't know if they are just so into themselves that they can't think of anyone else but themselves, of if they just can't put themselves into my shoes. I asked J if he could put himself into my shoes, he said "I do it with everybody". Wrong answer and not true. If for one MINUTE a man "could put himself into my shoes" he would have IMMEDIATE understanding of my dilemma, pains and upset, and DO SOMETHING TO HELP OUT. Since when is it a CRIME and a negative thing to extend a helping hand? He just said tonight that he only has "two friends he can count on". WELL I SEEM TO HAVE NONE IN THE END!! (EXCEPT for B of course!) Ive been talking to J, as I have with others, for a year..and none of them are people I can count on. They are like GOOD TIME CHARLIES. Yes, they sit there like lumps on a log and listen to my life and.. NOT FOR ONE MOMENT..help.
These are the scorpio men that I am getting to know. At least Doug HAS been there and has helped..and he has been upset that so many men want a PIECE OF MY ASS.. or want to BE WITH ME in a romantic relationship..but they do NOTHING of physical action to SHOW AND PROVE they care and can relate to me. Once Doug raved to me that he could not believe that someone who told me he was interested in me, and made as much money as he claimed to have made, does not lift ONE FINGER in any way to truly make a positive change or relief in my life.. yet spends his time talking to me about how he wants to be in my life.. in different ways.. and talking about .. or alluding to ..how he would like to be physically close to me.. or have sex with me.
Its not that I demand that he "help me". Its that, if he is a truly caring person, he ought to be offering. I guarantee you that!
I have to agree this is not only odious.. but a type of person that would probably use me and throw me out. I have not seen any care or compassion. I have talked to people on the phone and heard them say "I am giving, I give you my time", with no thought that I am giving them my time, my free hypnosis, my compassion, my loyalty, my help, my humor, my attention, my entertainment, my thoughts and words and deeds, and yes, even physical greeting cards! They make me sick. What happened to the REAL MEN who would stop FUCKING TALKING ABOUT FUCKING ME and do something real and meaningful for me INSTEAD! Where the hell are they. Im sure they are out there.. they are just not in my presence yet. The way a man treats me is being clearly noticed by yours truly, I do not become REAL WHEN HE MEETS ME.. or I meet him.. I already AM REAL.. ASSHOLES!
What all this has to do with Scorpio men.. is that I am around a few right now. They are too intense and too obsessive in the beginning and distanced and detached later.. they do not show their emotions, they hide.. as if that is any way to express oneself, their intense feelings are kept under a firm lid, and the other person who is the OBJECT of their affections never finds out till way later. They are very dramatic, cannot see the forest for the trees, the long end of it, the final outcome and the grand finale because of the fact that they are so very solidly stuck in the present. They need to get out of their own way and lose the TUNNEL VISION and think of someone ELSE besides THEMSELVES!!!!! In the end..the reason they act this way.. is that they are just afraid little boys.
The entire reason I stayed home..was that the GIFT of the phone charger which is NOT the right phone charger for my cell phone, overheated my bathroom wiring, creating a ricochet effect, frying the overhead lighting and burning out wires... This happened because someone wanted to cut corners.. well.. you can see the patterns forming here. Why would I be "grateful" for a gift that caused SO MUCH damage in my life..and has resulted in the loss of four days pay, which I will never see.. I guarantee you that! and thoughtless uncaring men will not even help me out of.. when they caused it? Can you imagine someone actually telling me I need to be grateful for a gift that caused all hell to break loose, which resulted in crying, anxiety, upset, and intense worry that my cats would be FRIED IF I WENT TO WORK??!?!?!? While the sender lived life to the fullest... planning on having sex with me, at some undesignated, but affirmed (to himself!) space-time coordinate in the Future!!!!
There are really some CLUELESS people out there. I don't know if they are just so into themselves that they can't think of anyone else but themselves, of if they just can't put themselves into my shoes. I asked J if he could put himself into my shoes, he said "I do it with everybody". Wrong answer and not true. If for one MINUTE a man "could put himself into my shoes" he would have IMMEDIATE understanding of my dilemma, pains and upset, and DO SOMETHING TO HELP OUT. Since when is it a CRIME and a negative thing to extend a helping hand? He just said tonight that he only has "two friends he can count on". WELL I SEEM TO HAVE NONE IN THE END!! (EXCEPT for B of course!) Ive been talking to J, as I have with others, for a year..and none of them are people I can count on. They are like GOOD TIME CHARLIES. Yes, they sit there like lumps on a log and listen to my life and.. NOT FOR ONE MOMENT..help.
These are the scorpio men that I am getting to know. At least Doug HAS been there and has helped..and he has been upset that so many men want a PIECE OF MY ASS.. or want to BE WITH ME in a romantic relationship..but they do NOTHING of physical action to SHOW AND PROVE they care and can relate to me. Once Doug raved to me that he could not believe that someone who told me he was interested in me, and made as much money as he claimed to have made, does not lift ONE FINGER in any way to truly make a positive change or relief in my life.. yet spends his time talking to me about how he wants to be in my life.. in different ways.. and talking about .. or alluding to ..how he would like to be physically close to me.. or have sex with me.
Its not that I demand that he "help me". Its that, if he is a truly caring person, he ought to be offering. I guarantee you that!
I have to agree this is not only odious.. but a type of person that would probably use me and throw me out. I have not seen any care or compassion. I have talked to people on the phone and heard them say "I am giving, I give you my time", with no thought that I am giving them my time, my free hypnosis, my compassion, my loyalty, my help, my humor, my attention, my entertainment, my thoughts and words and deeds, and yes, even physical greeting cards! They make me sick. What happened to the REAL MEN who would stop FUCKING TALKING ABOUT FUCKING ME and do something real and meaningful for me INSTEAD! Where the hell are they. Im sure they are out there.. they are just not in my presence yet. The way a man treats me is being clearly noticed by yours truly, I do not become REAL WHEN HE MEETS ME.. or I meet him.. I already AM REAL.. ASSHOLES!
What all this has to do with Scorpio men.. is that I am around a few right now. They are too intense and too obsessive in the beginning and distanced and detached later.. they do not show their emotions, they hide.. as if that is any way to express oneself, their intense feelings are kept under a firm lid, and the other person who is the OBJECT of their affections never finds out till way later. They are very dramatic, cannot see the forest for the trees, the long end of it, the final outcome and the grand finale because of the fact that they are so very solidly stuck in the present. They need to get out of their own way and lose the TUNNEL VISION and think of someone ELSE besides THEMSELVES!!!!! In the end..the reason they act this way.. is that they are just afraid little boys.
Final reveal
Thanks for the final reveal of this extreme makeover competition.
Yes i remember you.. and I often wondered why U stopped writing.
I thought you were someone else..but if you had as many men
writing to you as I have writing to me, you would know why its easy
to forget people and move right along. The moving on thing happens because people just get busy, and never get any more "what ups" from the people they are corresponding with.
Yes i remember you.. and I often wondered why U stopped writing.
I thought you were someone else..but if you had as many men
writing to you as I have writing to me, you would know why its easy
to forget people and move right along. The moving on thing happens because people just get busy, and never get any more "what ups" from the people they are corresponding with.
Mira, destesticulado, deja de dejarme mensajes en español, idiota pedante que sólo te escondes anónimamente! Demando saber quien eres, cobarde sin entrañas. Escoria sin espinazo pedazo de hombre! Muéstrate Satanás! Deja de dejarme "la última palabra" tipo de mensajes, afeminado transexual baboso hijo de perra!
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Howards leaving tonight
at the Boulevard..Howards last night is tonight..lucky we came. I was sad..but I tried to brush it off. He says that he makes "fives times as much money" at "the derby" than he does at "the bouldevard"... never mind he is surrounded by friends at the blvd. His acting gigs are slowing down, but his bartending is picking up. I felt sad because of that phenomena of everyone "leaving" and Im so sick of that happening. It threatened to ruin my joi de vevir or however you spell it. My friend said "we will visit you there" but I wonder if we will. The worst about it is, it won't BE THE SAME.. some place where "everyone is goodlooking" and they hire them because those bartenders can make more money. a regular coyote ugly.
Who fucking cares. All I know is.. because of MONEY again.... A SERIES of events.. a way of being.. a comfortable chair.. a couch worth sitting on... is OVER..
Its over.. and we only have tomorrow to look forward to. For him. more successful times..better days.. at least monetarily are available..he will never meet my baby sister now..he will never hear me sing for the first time..but at least he will make several hundred a nite. a legend.. a time.. an era.. IS OVER......
WHATEVER ...
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGhhhhhhhhh. (so much that i am thinking.. so much I keep to MYSELF)
clunk.
Who fucking cares. All I know is.. because of MONEY again.... A SERIES of events.. a way of being.. a comfortable chair.. a couch worth sitting on... is OVER..
Its over.. and we only have tomorrow to look forward to. For him. more successful times..better days.. at least monetarily are available..he will never meet my baby sister now..he will never hear me sing for the first time..but at least he will make several hundred a nite. a legend.. a time.. an era.. IS OVER......
WHATEVER ...
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGhhhhhhhhh. (so much that i am thinking.. so much I keep to MYSELF)
clunk.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
To the person who is constantly leaving post responses
If you don't reveal who you are.. STOP leaving responses. Youre a fucking COWARD.
Sat. morning - a new day is dawning
Busy Sunday.. so I only have one day to get a lot done. Had back problems galore a day ago. My friends finally moving out of his ancestral home.. and will sleep in his room only a few more days, to hear him tell it. I really wonder if I should use this format.. a web log to talk about anything that I consider truly deep.. as some FUCK who doesnt tell me who he is, cowers behind his monitor to insult me.. pretending that he offered his true friendship..yet..where the hell is he? I dont SEE HIM ANYWHERE. If this is so true, he'd have been in my life by now. Its so EASY to make claims and flap ones lip, and produce nothing.
As I have often stated..many people live in their minds and fantasize of the noble endeavors that they never actually DO. This is one typical man. He can make statements in type..yet never went out of his way to pursue me, or to be as bold and honest and non-cowardly as stating what it is that he wants with me. He asks nothing, he states nothing.. whenever it was that i knew him.
You know..this is typical of the reticence to communicate and loathsome hiding and disconnection of people who use the internet. People can make themselves sound grand in print, in type..but they write of actions Ive never seen.. of flourishing, grandiose promises that I NEVER PERSONALLY HEARD.
These people only serve to further piss me off..and reinforce what I was talking about earlier. If they were REAL they would pick up the goddamned phone AND CALL ME.. not write a comment on my BLOG.
Thou dodgey ill-breeding, goatish, swag-bellied mammet...
motherfuckers..... (grumble)
As I have often stated..many people live in their minds and fantasize of the noble endeavors that they never actually DO. This is one typical man. He can make statements in type..yet never went out of his way to pursue me, or to be as bold and honest and non-cowardly as stating what it is that he wants with me. He asks nothing, he states nothing.. whenever it was that i knew him.
You know..this is typical of the reticence to communicate and loathsome hiding and disconnection of people who use the internet. People can make themselves sound grand in print, in type..but they write of actions Ive never seen.. of flourishing, grandiose promises that I NEVER PERSONALLY HEARD.
These people only serve to further piss me off..and reinforce what I was talking about earlier. If they were REAL they would pick up the goddamned phone AND CALL ME.. not write a comment on my BLOG.
Thou dodgey ill-breeding, goatish, swag-bellied mammet...
motherfuckers..... (grumble)
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Im tired again lol
I have to lay upon my bed and meditate..or something. Stay away from onliners messaging me. The psychic vampire syndrome doesnt always go away..but I have to have a force field and realize not everyone is going to be the diamond in the rough. Obviously Im looking for something that may not even be here anymore. I do have faith I will find it.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
I am on a diet,,.. and lo..the diet is good..
and its working..altho I have to get more supplies. Im using www.ediets.com and even tho they are a bit expensive, (and it seems most would like to get the most for as little as possible) it gives me order, planned out menus, and thusly, clarity of thought. I dont tend to show weight loss on a scale, but all my clothes start loosening up instead. I wish I had a partner I could do it with..and that we could support each other.. but of course thats not happening.
I would love to meet some of these people who I met online but have still not met in person. Its just that, because almost all of them are men, they all expect something more than friendship, at least they are hoping for more. That turns me off so much, that I end up hermitting and not meeting anyone. For crying out loud, if Im not attracted, or not ready for something more serious than friendship, why in the hell would I want to meet a bunch of needy, desperate, codependent, or horndog nerds and jerks? Thats what they all boil down to most of the time. Ive seen it proven.. even in lab experiments. I thought that the more evolved species of "male" would be lesbian..but they are too busy emulating males (the worst part of them) to ever be a service to huMANity. Notice how everything that encompasses "all" has the word man in there? No coicidence of course. No synchronicity there.. its so consciously placed. Pretty funny..
I would love to meet some of these people who I met online but have still not met in person. Its just that, because almost all of them are men, they all expect something more than friendship, at least they are hoping for more. That turns me off so much, that I end up hermitting and not meeting anyone. For crying out loud, if Im not attracted, or not ready for something more serious than friendship, why in the hell would I want to meet a bunch of needy, desperate, codependent, or horndog nerds and jerks? Thats what they all boil down to most of the time. Ive seen it proven.. even in lab experiments. I thought that the more evolved species of "male" would be lesbian..but they are too busy emulating males (the worst part of them) to ever be a service to huMANity. Notice how everything that encompasses "all" has the word man in there? No coicidence of course. No synchronicity there.. its so consciously placed. Pretty funny..
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Im glad there are only 3 daze left to this week
Ive been having very vivid, detailed dreams, I can only theorize what they mean.. in some ways they seem very direct, and some parts symbolic. I usually do not have symbolic dreams. I dreamt I was naked, wanting to shower with someone. I walked around this big house..with many beautiful bathrooms with gorgeous large showers.. the sort perhaps queens would use. Noone would shower with me. I felt there was an erotic/mystical component to the showers. Finally, I think, I had a man in a hot tub at the end..but I think I created him myself.. he wasnt a real dream character.. kind of like.. a prop. We just looked at each other, and he didnt DO anything. Weird. Later, I went to google and did a search on pictures w/ the word "Shower". I came upon a comely lad's photo.. I went to his site. I found out it was a blog, and he was gay. He was very interesting.. a very smart man, and in one entry, he was not walking for some reason. I saw the word "Brian" in his writings right away..which is the name that haunts me, and the last name I kept calling and calling in that shower dream. Brian Knight.. was his name. I don't know if such a man exists! This man touched on a few synchronicities of mine (in his blog). Its all tied together. Of course.
I have to go to bed soon.. I could write till forever.. but I havent that much time. I am in the midst of losing weight..and I bike 18 miles to work for exercise, in the morning! Of course .. when its cool. I love it.. listening to Howard Stern, and riding.. its a very happy work out that I cherish. I think I will always look back at these memories in happiness. The feeling of such a luxury to listen to entertaining humor in my ears, as I pedal, knowing Im doing something good for myself. Some people think Im doing this and its really hard.. I know its for the benefits. I wish I could do it more often in nature. I love talk radio.. its fills my mind with the mental stimulation I always need. Lord knows.. my work is a BORE!!!!!
************ gOODniGht~~~~!!**********
I have to go to bed soon.. I could write till forever.. but I havent that much time. I am in the midst of losing weight..and I bike 18 miles to work for exercise, in the morning! Of course .. when its cool. I love it.. listening to Howard Stern, and riding.. its a very happy work out that I cherish. I think I will always look back at these memories in happiness. The feeling of such a luxury to listen to entertaining humor in my ears, as I pedal, knowing Im doing something good for myself. Some people think Im doing this and its really hard.. I know its for the benefits. I wish I could do it more often in nature. I love talk radio.. its fills my mind with the mental stimulation I always need. Lord knows.. my work is a BORE!!!!!
************ gOODniGht~~~~!!**********
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Its a boring weekend, on the most deadly weekend of the year..
I might do 2 hypno sessions before the weekends through, and of course, I have Monday off.
Late night at the apollo is on.. some of the acts are lame. I checked my personals mail.. got a bunch of responses from men who are way too ELDERLY. What makes them THINK for a MOMENT that I would want to date much less be with someone as old as anybody over the age of 40? Im having a hard enough time with men in their 40's as that wouldn't be my first choice either. I don't want my "soulmate" dropping dead of heart thombosis because they didnt take care of themselves during a decade where most men have heart attacks.. which is the 40's and 50's of course. Its just not worth the effort. You have to say to yourself in the end.. if they don't take care of their health.. why make me suffer?
Later IN THE NEWS.. as my gay friend Wil has his 30th threesome.. I lay in bed channel surfing. Well, its better than dealing with some weird guys dramatic needs...
Late night at the apollo is on.. some of the acts are lame. I checked my personals mail.. got a bunch of responses from men who are way too ELDERLY. What makes them THINK for a MOMENT that I would want to date much less be with someone as old as anybody over the age of 40? Im having a hard enough time with men in their 40's as that wouldn't be my first choice either. I don't want my "soulmate" dropping dead of heart thombosis because they didnt take care of themselves during a decade where most men have heart attacks.. which is the 40's and 50's of course. Its just not worth the effort. You have to say to yourself in the end.. if they don't take care of their health.. why make me suffer?
Later IN THE NEWS.. as my gay friend Wil has his 30th threesome.. I lay in bed channel surfing. Well, its better than dealing with some weird guys dramatic needs...
