Well I have a cold..it came out of NOWHERE yesterday and intensified today, so I had to take the day off.. this ensured that I would get more rest too.. as I was planning to FINALLY bite the bullet and meet Barrett, who Ive known for a year. Surprise no surprise, he came home fell asleep never woke up, said his EX WIFE was in labor and he had to pick up his son. The entire night ruined, and another opportunity down the drain. Sure seems fishy to me..
I am meeting Mike R. on Sunday and I know all will go by just as planned and he won't cancel. The thing i like about him best is his enthusiasm for wanting to do things, for wanting to see me, I just LOVE that!
Well I have to go nurse this cold.. someones calling me on my phone too.. I think.. Feel free to leave messages!!!
and another beef.. WHAT I LOATHE AND DESPISE are these pricks who are easily accessable by email at work, email at yahoo, chat.. but when it comes time TO DO SOMETHING on the weekend.. they are NOWHERE in sight!!!!
I guess i have chosen wrongly and must try again.. Gather a whole different crowd of men and make my decisions more wisely. PICK men who do not have so many fucking distractions in their lives, that only leads them to insult me and dismiss me and make me feel secondary, and the do nothing to make up for that, and only think my job in life is to take MORE OF THEIR BAD MANNERS! For the love of god WHO NEEDS TO WASTE TIME FEELING LIKE THAT?!??!?!?!
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
THE HIGHLIGHT OF TODAY IS SO COOL! haha! :)
The highlight of today was meeting Glenn Fords grandson online!!! I cannot tell you how astonishing and pleasing that was to me. In this rather banal existence that i am currently creating.. it heartens me to come across a relation to that star of old..that gave me countless hours of eternal tv entertainment as I grew up. These are the real stars of old.. the stars of today do not impress me at all. They have no intrigue, star quality or mystique. The stars of old.. Monroe, Gable, Holden, Harlow, Hayworth, Lombard, Grable, Tierney, O'Connor, Kelly, Lemon, Lamarr, Wood, Dean, Lancaster, Bacall and more.. are such an INTEGRAL part of my being here on Earth. They are thoroughly soaked into my DNA and I simply would not be able to recall and recapitulate my life, without scanning over these icons that were so deeply embedded into my mind as a child and young woman. They are part of me in this lifetime..and to know one of these icons is still alive (for I thought he was dead!) and to talk to his descendant.. is quite exciting. I am happy to have had the experience..and very very touched.. no matter how it turns out.
Puts such a step in my walk.. Gene Kelly Style!!!! :)
Puts such a step in my walk.. Gene Kelly Style!!!! :)
Saturday, August 07, 2004
im the GREEN MILE lol
So i went over to heal my brother at the hospital..he has meningitis..and I was sooo drained..and picked up every symptom he had. I went to bed that night with a mask over my mouth..which only had my mom and her new b/f cracking up. (I wasnt laughing) Didnt want to give it to my pet children. Geez!~ My bro felt immensely better after I left.. I stayed about 2.5 hours..but I truly felt like shit. I picked up and absorbed his illness..and now its just starting to leave me tonight. I am so glad that I didnt infect anyone with this contagious disease. He had 2 spinal taps, I believe, and he finally found out that he had viral meningitus. We talked for a while, and when he was getting his tap, I excused myself to go to the bathroom, when I stood up, the floor was wobbling. I was disoriented. When I went home that nite, I slept fitfully, waking at one point, my eyes feeling puffy.. I was alarmed, but that symptom faded by morning. I think I picked up the illness and filtered it out of my body. I am NOT SUGGESTIBLE.. its my business to always be the one in control, because of the nature of my business when doing hypnosis. The subject is the one that is free floating and flowing, and I am always the guide, in control of their journey.
Well.. I had done a shamanic soul retrieval on him the night before, and I think way too much energy was flying about.. that night.. after I saw him.. I had a wild and vivid dream of being a captain in a fierce war! I was in this huge gutted indoor mall looking building. I have seen that building before too.. in other dreams. Its not really "gutted" but it is open in the middle, with a second floor along the sides of the building..the way a mall would look like. Know what I mean. Anyway.. it was scary.. first I was the captain, then myself.. getting out of there.. it was odd. I really dont remember much more than that.
I went to work late.. and walked in wearing a face mask.. I didnt want to get into trouble and contaminate anyone on the offchance I had picked something up. Right now, I am weak a bit.. but recovering, and not getting worse. I guess I'll cancel that appt. I had tomorrow at 11:30am.
Viva La Green Mile...!!!!! But I skipped the nasty vomiting black hornet bugs looking bit! Goodnite! (Listening to my beloved Coast to Coast radio! :)
Well.. I had done a shamanic soul retrieval on him the night before, and I think way too much energy was flying about.. that night.. after I saw him.. I had a wild and vivid dream of being a captain in a fierce war! I was in this huge gutted indoor mall looking building. I have seen that building before too.. in other dreams. Its not really "gutted" but it is open in the middle, with a second floor along the sides of the building..the way a mall would look like. Know what I mean. Anyway.. it was scary.. first I was the captain, then myself.. getting out of there.. it was odd. I really dont remember much more than that.
I went to work late.. and walked in wearing a face mask.. I didnt want to get into trouble and contaminate anyone on the offchance I had picked something up. Right now, I am weak a bit.. but recovering, and not getting worse. I guess I'll cancel that appt. I had tomorrow at 11:30am.
Viva La Green Mile...!!!!! But I skipped the nasty vomiting black hornet bugs looking bit! Goodnite! (Listening to my beloved Coast to Coast radio! :)
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Update and substantiating evidence for my vision at age 12
I got this article from the coasttocoastam website.. Click on the picture of George below!
When I clicked on the link.. I saw many articles about people who had begun to see "Crosses of Light". The "first" reported one being near me, in El Monte, CA. and was picked up by THE PASADENA STAR NEWS! I lived in Arcadia, CA at the time of the vision...a stones throw from El Monte.. which is really a craphole.. they would need a miracle there. My vision though, was not seen "in or on a bathroom window" and came when I asked for it to, although I did not know what form it would take beforehand. Read the article below about the Cross of Light in El Monte!!!!!! All these years and I finally come upon something connected!
First cross of light
The first cross of light appeared in 1988. "Last weekend," the Pasadena Star News wrote on 27 May, "residents reported seeing a cross shining through a bathroom window of an apartment in El Monte." Eye-witness Mona LaVine stated she saw: "A cross of a pale golden light -- and simply beautiful." Margaret Romero, owner of the place, had the glass replaced by a neighbor’s window, but the cross kept shining. Within days, 12 more crosses appeared around the Los Angeles area.
When I clicked on the link.. I saw many articles about people who had begun to see "Crosses of Light". The "first" reported one being near me, in El Monte, CA. and was picked up by THE PASADENA STAR NEWS! I lived in Arcadia, CA at the time of the vision...a stones throw from El Monte.. which is really a craphole.. they would need a miracle there. My vision though, was not seen "in or on a bathroom window" and came when I asked for it to, although I did not know what form it would take beforehand. Read the article below about the Cross of Light in El Monte!!!!!! All these years and I finally come upon something connected!
First cross of light
The first cross of light appeared in 1988. "Last weekend," the Pasadena Star News wrote on 27 May, "residents reported seeing a cross shining through a bathroom window of an apartment in El Monte." Eye-witness Mona LaVine stated she saw: "A cross of a pale golden light -- and simply beautiful." Margaret Romero, owner of the place, had the glass replaced by a neighbor’s window, but the cross kept shining. Within days, 12 more crosses appeared around the Los Angeles area.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
I think this log says what I have to say about this odious subject matter..
mesowolfie: If I hear or read ONE MORE MAN TELL ME HE GOT LAID WHEN HE ALREADY KNEW ME
mesowolfie: I will explode
Sxfrk69: he got laid when he already knew you?
mesowolfie: not only is it disrespectful, its rude as hell to tell me
mesowolfie: SEVERAL
mesowolfie: I was talking about it with my friend in canada
mesowolfie: who ALSO wants me
mesowolfie: but he's too far away anyway
mesowolfie: and he said "perhaps you have some sort of sexual or psychic energy that gets them so fired up, that they reach out for what is available"
mesowolfie: I said "if thats so, Its fucked up" I had to laugh though..
mesowolfie: the fact that they would turn around AND STILL want me, after doing that with another person and telling me about it ...
mesowolfie: I should drop them
Sxfrk69: your the sexual stimulant for men huh?
mesowolfie: makes me feel they didnt even pause to take a shower
mesowolfie: and all sexually dirty.. they, these rogues express interest in me after just being w/ someone else - how classy eh.
mesowolfie: It happened with one woman..named deborah in ontario canada in 1997
mesowolfie: thats when it STARTED
mesowolfie: of course thats around the time I started using the internet
mesowolfie: and she picked someone else over me and chose to meet them and not me and they won and I lost..and it was so devastating to me
mesowolfie: and to this day I still havent met her
mesowolfie: then it happened in 2001 I think, with this guy named rene
mesowolfie: we had known of each other by phone and email for a few months, and he seemed just like what I wanted, and he was attractive to me
mesowolfie: and we planned on meeting in jan. of the new year..but he went to a PARTY..and met someone named denyyiiece
mesowolfie: who can't spell her name right - I can't remember how its spelled, nor can SHE.
mesowolfie: and altho we arranged to meet, he lied about why he had to cancel
mesowolfie: he canceled on me that NIGHT . To this day I still think she hasnt heard of me, the denyce person!
mesowolfie: His story was that he said his mom needed a gambling intervention. and he had to drive to san diego .. instead he went over to dennnniiiieeeece's house, and had sex no doubt. He never met me after that.
Sxfrk69: so instead of you he was with her
mesowolfie: yeah
mesowolfie: he tried to be friends with me for another yr but I always felt like I was second best
mesowolfie: I felt like he cut the wind right out of me when he did that
mesowolfie: cus i had already had this horrible experience with deborah through the net in '97
mesowolfie: The fact of not MEETING these people was very painful cus it ends up all in your head - and there are so many "unknowns" so many ..loose ends that don't get tied up into a neat bundle of understanding and comprehension.
mesowolfie: and I was the one that wasnt "real" cus he hadn't met me, and she was "REAL" because he met her .. bullshit!
mesowolfie: I predicted it would end, It did... 3 yrs later. cus he hung on for dear life, it was a losing battle,.. I told him, warned him, that you can't have happiness at the expense of hurting someone else -this is now a great understanding..more people should learn this lesson.
mesowolfie: then there was Mike R.
mesowolfie: We were getting along famously!
mesowolfie: I really liked him.. I didnt want to meet him fast because of all that had happened before in the romantic dept. I had met other men before but I wasnt attracted to them. I wanted to be SURE with men ever since those experiences..thats why I take more TIME.
mesowolfie: so guess what happens
mesowolfie: I finally arrange to meet him on a saturday
mesowolfie: and the DAY BEFORE, he goes to a PARTY ---
mesowolfie: and meets a woman who is crazy about him!
mesowolfie: and because he's so insecure of his looks, I get to suffer!
His head gets totally turned around, and he goes for her. He gives her MY NIGHT.. Saturday, and calls me in the morning to cancel on me and tell me about some new chick in his life that he's known for 24 HOURS while hes known me for months!!! I mean, don't I get some fuckin' seniority here at least? FUCK THAT!
mesowolfie: He claims that he will continue being my friend, but he doesnt hold up to his end of the bargain
Sxfrk69: sounds like you just have bad luck
mesowolfie: I predicted it would end, and my friend doug predicts it will end in april because she has someone else
mesowolfie: and it ALL comes true
mesowolfie: nods ..but theres more..haha
mesowolfie: then he COMES BACK
mesowolfie: and now he wants to meet me all over again
mesowolfie: apologizing profusely, asking me to realize that he is "an unattractive man" and a woman who likes him is some kind of anomaly apparently..Im paraphrasing here..
mesowolfie: and this doesnt happen "often" says he..
mesowolfie: but when she was in his life and it was all new, he was so cold to me
mesowolfie: but I still forgave him after that. because I dont have head issues
mesowolfie: like these people do
mesowolfie: so then I meet Leonard, and he is sexy..and passionate but something about him scares me
mesowolfie: so I avoid meeting him right away - and meantime Im getting signs GALORE from my guides about how is right for me...
mesowolfie: So..after a 2-3 week chat hiatus he comes back to inform me he GOT LAID in april!!!!!!!! when I think we had something that was building!
mesowolfie: lol HA!
mesowolfie: pathetic
Sxfrk69: oh well
mesowolfie: Then I met this guy... he's really new.. and I am interested in him.. but I keep it low, cus I want to get to know him first and find out what he's about
mesowolfie: and he just told me HE GOT LAID !!!!!!! I know hate that term!!! lol!!!!
mesowolfie: meantime he answered my personal because of his interest in getting to know ME.
mesowolfie: Ive only known him for a while..
mesowolfie: so whats this all about alfie?
mesowolfie: I mean Im noone's second banana
Sxfrk69: actually it sounds like everyone is getting laid but you..
mesowolfie: yea but only after they meet me . HAHAHA!!!!
Sxfrk69: well not meet just talk to.. HE HE
mesowolfie: Its still meeting me
mesowolfie: they are aware of my existence
mesowolfie: They have my number, they know my pictures, my thoughts
mesowolfie: and we are moving towards something..thats the only reason Im talking to them at all
Sxfrk69: I thought you talked to people for friends as well?
mesowolfie: Im conversing with these people to figure out what it is that we want from each other, and that takes TIME
mesowolfie: I have friendship as the foundation always, yes, of course, but there is always an open window for MORE. I did not place a personal that said "looking for platonic friends only" It says Friendship and more with the right person --
mesowolfie: I always have to have a foundation of friendship, I think that is very healthy
Sxfrk69: ok
Sxfrk69: so if you thought they were only going to be friends and nothing more would you stop talking to them as much?
mesowolfie: It doesnt mean I want to have sex with my friends..because I dont believe in having sex with friends, I dont believe that you should be attracted to your friends, or else there is the possibility of it becoming more later at times which might be dangerous for someone or someone else involved. Ive been through all that so thats how I know
Sxfrk69: ok
mesowolfie: Of course not! I always value my friends. I would love to go places with them, do things, have stimulating conversations. I need to be mentally stimulated, thats very important to me.
mesowolfie: You see what you describe is someone that is a user
mesowolfie: I dont talk to people just to get something out of them
mesowolfie: If I could find someone that would value me for the soul and person I am.. then everything else is just..frosting
Sxfrk69: there are plenty of those out there
mesowolfie: some people actually believe that people on the internet are "less than" someone you would meet anywhere else
mesowolfie: but these are the same people u would find anywhere
mesowolfie: I hate the term "getting laid" the only reason I use the term, is that I am making fun of those that use the term
mesowolfie: and Ive been saying it all day, but in an impersonation of some horny dude
mesowolfie: cus the whole things become a joke.. I was cracking up a friend on the phone
mesowolfie: it became a comedy bit
Sxfrk69: ok
mesowolfie: The main reason it bothers me, is that I feel like its a reflection ON me
mesowolfie: people say "dont feel that way about it" but I can't help it
mesowolfie: since everyone is at the center of their own universe..what do you think Im gonna feel? I mean.. honestly..this is all I know.. to pay ATTENTION.. to the signs and symbols around us.
mesowolfie: This is my small world and these are the men I am encountering in it
mesowolfie: its not good for me
Sxfrk69: well you have to simply find someone who is right for you
mesowolfie: easier written than done
mesowolfie: I will explode
Sxfrk69: he got laid when he already knew you?
mesowolfie: not only is it disrespectful, its rude as hell to tell me
mesowolfie: SEVERAL
mesowolfie: I was talking about it with my friend in canada
mesowolfie: who ALSO wants me
mesowolfie: but he's too far away anyway
mesowolfie: and he said "perhaps you have some sort of sexual or psychic energy that gets them so fired up, that they reach out for what is available"
mesowolfie: I said "if thats so, Its fucked up" I had to laugh though..
mesowolfie: the fact that they would turn around AND STILL want me, after doing that with another person and telling me about it ...
mesowolfie: I should drop them
Sxfrk69: your the sexual stimulant for men huh?
mesowolfie: makes me feel they didnt even pause to take a shower
mesowolfie: and all sexually dirty.. they, these rogues express interest in me after just being w/ someone else - how classy eh.
mesowolfie: It happened with one woman..named deborah in ontario canada in 1997
mesowolfie: thats when it STARTED
mesowolfie: of course thats around the time I started using the internet
mesowolfie: and she picked someone else over me and chose to meet them and not me and they won and I lost..and it was so devastating to me
mesowolfie: and to this day I still havent met her
mesowolfie: then it happened in 2001 I think, with this guy named rene
mesowolfie: we had known of each other by phone and email for a few months, and he seemed just like what I wanted, and he was attractive to me
mesowolfie: and we planned on meeting in jan. of the new year..but he went to a PARTY..and met someone named denyyiiece
mesowolfie: who can't spell her name right - I can't remember how its spelled, nor can SHE.
mesowolfie: and altho we arranged to meet, he lied about why he had to cancel
mesowolfie: he canceled on me that NIGHT . To this day I still think she hasnt heard of me, the denyce person!
mesowolfie: His story was that he said his mom needed a gambling intervention. and he had to drive to san diego .. instead he went over to dennnniiiieeeece's house, and had sex no doubt. He never met me after that.
Sxfrk69: so instead of you he was with her
mesowolfie: yeah
mesowolfie: he tried to be friends with me for another yr but I always felt like I was second best
mesowolfie: I felt like he cut the wind right out of me when he did that
mesowolfie: cus i had already had this horrible experience with deborah through the net in '97
mesowolfie: The fact of not MEETING these people was very painful cus it ends up all in your head - and there are so many "unknowns" so many ..loose ends that don't get tied up into a neat bundle of understanding and comprehension.
mesowolfie: and I was the one that wasnt "real" cus he hadn't met me, and she was "REAL" because he met her .. bullshit!
mesowolfie: I predicted it would end, It did... 3 yrs later. cus he hung on for dear life, it was a losing battle,.. I told him, warned him, that you can't have happiness at the expense of hurting someone else -this is now a great understanding..more people should learn this lesson.
mesowolfie: then there was Mike R.
mesowolfie: We were getting along famously!
mesowolfie: I really liked him.. I didnt want to meet him fast because of all that had happened before in the romantic dept. I had met other men before but I wasnt attracted to them. I wanted to be SURE with men ever since those experiences..thats why I take more TIME.
mesowolfie: so guess what happens
mesowolfie: I finally arrange to meet him on a saturday
mesowolfie: and the DAY BEFORE, he goes to a PARTY ---
mesowolfie: and meets a woman who is crazy about him!
mesowolfie: and because he's so insecure of his looks, I get to suffer!
His head gets totally turned around, and he goes for her. He gives her MY NIGHT.. Saturday, and calls me in the morning to cancel on me and tell me about some new chick in his life that he's known for 24 HOURS while hes known me for months!!! I mean, don't I get some fuckin' seniority here at least? FUCK THAT!
mesowolfie: He claims that he will continue being my friend, but he doesnt hold up to his end of the bargain
Sxfrk69: sounds like you just have bad luck
mesowolfie: I predicted it would end, and my friend doug predicts it will end in april because she has someone else
mesowolfie: and it ALL comes true
mesowolfie: nods ..but theres more..haha
mesowolfie: then he COMES BACK
mesowolfie: and now he wants to meet me all over again
mesowolfie: apologizing profusely, asking me to realize that he is "an unattractive man" and a woman who likes him is some kind of anomaly apparently..Im paraphrasing here..
mesowolfie: and this doesnt happen "often" says he..
mesowolfie: but when she was in his life and it was all new, he was so cold to me
mesowolfie: but I still forgave him after that. because I dont have head issues
mesowolfie: like these people do
mesowolfie: so then I meet Leonard, and he is sexy..and passionate but something about him scares me
mesowolfie: so I avoid meeting him right away - and meantime Im getting signs GALORE from my guides about how is right for me...
mesowolfie: So..after a 2-3 week chat hiatus he comes back to inform me he GOT LAID in april!!!!!!!! when I think we had something that was building!
mesowolfie: lol HA!
mesowolfie: pathetic
Sxfrk69: oh well
mesowolfie: Then I met this guy... he's really new.. and I am interested in him.. but I keep it low, cus I want to get to know him first and find out what he's about
mesowolfie: and he just told me HE GOT LAID !!!!!!! I know hate that term!!! lol!!!!
mesowolfie: meantime he answered my personal because of his interest in getting to know ME.
mesowolfie: Ive only known him for a while..
mesowolfie: so whats this all about alfie?
mesowolfie: I mean Im noone's second banana
Sxfrk69: actually it sounds like everyone is getting laid but you..
mesowolfie: yea but only after they meet me . HAHAHA!!!!
Sxfrk69: well not meet just talk to.. HE HE
mesowolfie: Its still meeting me
mesowolfie: they are aware of my existence
mesowolfie: They have my number, they know my pictures, my thoughts
mesowolfie: and we are moving towards something..thats the only reason Im talking to them at all
Sxfrk69: I thought you talked to people for friends as well?
mesowolfie: Im conversing with these people to figure out what it is that we want from each other, and that takes TIME
mesowolfie: I have friendship as the foundation always, yes, of course, but there is always an open window for MORE. I did not place a personal that said "looking for platonic friends only" It says Friendship and more with the right person --
mesowolfie: I always have to have a foundation of friendship, I think that is very healthy
Sxfrk69: ok
Sxfrk69: so if you thought they were only going to be friends and nothing more would you stop talking to them as much?
mesowolfie: It doesnt mean I want to have sex with my friends..because I dont believe in having sex with friends, I dont believe that you should be attracted to your friends, or else there is the possibility of it becoming more later at times which might be dangerous for someone or someone else involved. Ive been through all that so thats how I know
Sxfrk69: ok
mesowolfie: Of course not! I always value my friends. I would love to go places with them, do things, have stimulating conversations. I need to be mentally stimulated, thats very important to me.
mesowolfie: You see what you describe is someone that is a user
mesowolfie: I dont talk to people just to get something out of them
mesowolfie: If I could find someone that would value me for the soul and person I am.. then everything else is just..frosting
Sxfrk69: there are plenty of those out there
mesowolfie: some people actually believe that people on the internet are "less than" someone you would meet anywhere else
mesowolfie: but these are the same people u would find anywhere
mesowolfie: I hate the term "getting laid" the only reason I use the term, is that I am making fun of those that use the term
mesowolfie: and Ive been saying it all day, but in an impersonation of some horny dude
mesowolfie: cus the whole things become a joke.. I was cracking up a friend on the phone
mesowolfie: it became a comedy bit
Sxfrk69: ok
mesowolfie: The main reason it bothers me, is that I feel like its a reflection ON me
mesowolfie: people say "dont feel that way about it" but I can't help it
mesowolfie: since everyone is at the center of their own universe..what do you think Im gonna feel? I mean.. honestly..this is all I know.. to pay ATTENTION.. to the signs and symbols around us.
mesowolfie: This is my small world and these are the men I am encountering in it
mesowolfie: its not good for me
Sxfrk69: well you have to simply find someone who is right for you
mesowolfie: easier written than done
I feel a rant comin on
Hmmm seems the simplest things need to be EXPLAINED to some people.. I feel a rant coming on. I was on the phone for nearly 2 hours laughing and joking about what losers some men are.. and the need for them to get laid by more than one person at any given point? Either way I need a vegetarian sandwich first, to fortify me...
Monday, August 02, 2004
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?
Ok.. well tonite Im a bit depressed.. it started with my landlady coming over for the rent money.. and instead of chit chatting about normal positive upbeat things, she asks intrusive and rude queries such as "hows your job, still stable?" and "how many cats do you have?". That one really depressed me, as I signed on the lease that I had FOUR cats and she knows that. I replied "4" and she did this mock aghast look, and I finished "but you knew that" and she said "I didnt really know, I knew you had more than one". WHAT THE FUCK?? ITS ON THE LEASE! I told her before I even set foot into this apartment. :((( that TOTALLY bummed me out and set me off to worry about my pets some more.. never mind I thought they were in trouble from the wiring problem. Then I come home..and doug is telling me about his bucko bucks he is getting from the sale of his mothers house..and how his brother is going to give him an advance cus the check hasnt "come in yet".. and he is quitting his job in less than a week cus he's got "F U money". Meantime he screamed at the top of his lungs to me on the phone, simply because I asked him to stay at my apt. while I was at my work. I lost a whole weeks pay cus I HAD TO STAY HOME because of this electrical wiring problem. :( Wish I had FU MONEY!!!! It was so depressing to hear how good his life is.. and all he had for me a week ago was raging screams.
Then I get home, and L who is an online friend, tells me he's off to Vegas to see sexy women dance and strip probably, but that "he really doesnt want to go" (thats hard to believe).. and every time I want to get closer, I hear something like that from him, that totally sends me in the opposite direction, and I close up instead of opening up. This is a guy who claims he wants to settle down and have a "family".. well if this is what he wants.. he sure is messing it up. I guess in the end I got more depressed, cus I feel I will never find the right man. Esp. at my age.. how long do I have anyway? Lololol.. I felt so bad.. like a dark cloud descending.. its not like when Im in my 20's.. back then, you had SO MUCH TIME to deal with.. plenty of aces up yer sleeve.. now I feel.. there are only so many men.. and in my personal, I keep getting responses from silver hairs who have one foot in the grave.. N puhleese!
I just want a companion..someone to do things with.. to spend time with.. who respects my pets..and doesnt see them as a distraction or detraction. I want happiness.. it remains elusive..do you realize that in Jan. of 2005.. I will be single for FIVE YEARS??? That is disturbing..
I met two very nice down to earth men, Brian and Brad.. and they both appear to be salt of the Earth types. Brians a vegetarian, which always surprises me.. as I feel so alone in that.. so often. He seems very nice. I really don't know either man that well...they are very quiet and did not really give me a review of what they thought about me.. or what they want. As all men seem to do, they are very tightlipped... the depression lingers.....
Then I get home, and L who is an online friend, tells me he's off to Vegas to see sexy women dance and strip probably, but that "he really doesnt want to go" (thats hard to believe).. and every time I want to get closer, I hear something like that from him, that totally sends me in the opposite direction, and I close up instead of opening up. This is a guy who claims he wants to settle down and have a "family".. well if this is what he wants.. he sure is messing it up. I guess in the end I got more depressed, cus I feel I will never find the right man. Esp. at my age.. how long do I have anyway? Lololol.. I felt so bad.. like a dark cloud descending.. its not like when Im in my 20's.. back then, you had SO MUCH TIME to deal with.. plenty of aces up yer sleeve.. now I feel.. there are only so many men.. and in my personal, I keep getting responses from silver hairs who have one foot in the grave.. N puhleese!
I just want a companion..someone to do things with.. to spend time with.. who respects my pets..and doesnt see them as a distraction or detraction. I want happiness.. it remains elusive..do you realize that in Jan. of 2005.. I will be single for FIVE YEARS??? That is disturbing..
I met two very nice down to earth men, Brian and Brad.. and they both appear to be salt of the Earth types. Brians a vegetarian, which always surprises me.. as I feel so alone in that.. so often. He seems very nice. I really don't know either man that well...they are very quiet and did not really give me a review of what they thought about me.. or what they want. As all men seem to do, they are very tightlipped... the depression lingers.....
