ZUZZ IS THE GOD OF FUCK (or so he jokes...)

I have been posting a lot in the Howard Stern Bulletin Board

www.howardstern.com/boards

and its pretty cool...the people there by far are more humorous which I LOVE.. of course.. I have met several people on there that are interesting, hostile, cool and such. Lots of men on there predominately though.. which is fine I guess. I have met in particular a few that I am getting to know..one of the first people I met on there was named THEONESOLO.. a black guy who seemed very interested in posting the most posts..as tho it were a contest, he told me about "arayya" who is his friend (also black I later found out) and.. I made a few threads.. with varying results.

Then as a little time went by (I only joined since early August so that much time really HASNT GONE BY yet) I met a cool guy named Zuzz.. (of course these are all their nicks) he seemed odd at first..but I knew he was funny and different and unusual.

Now I just think he's Unique.

I met someone named "Poopfart". I thought it was a horrible name at first.. his pics show a man who has a beautiful body .. he also lives on the east coast as Zuzz does. (NY for him)

Poopfart likes me a lot..he continues to tell me that its my MIND he loves.. of course I know he must like my pics too. I appreciate that as I always do with everyone who compliments me this way. However lately he's been emailing me.. and .. he said he had MSN messenger and he added me, but I never got any notice that he actually did. I even downloaded MSN to chat with him, and ended up instead chatting for hours with this guy named Moggy who goes into a thread created by Jessica Hahn (yes the one that broke up Jim Bakkers marriage during that scandal)

I like Moggy.. Moggy uses an avatar of John Candy and seems to be pretty much the John Candy type. I have only chatted with him once..and since then nothing..and still no POOPfart. I have gotten letters from PF saying he's only emailing me ..but later read on posts he's emailing other women too. I told him this because I dont like being lied to, and he said "You have so many boyfriends that I was only emailing you, but now Im not".

Kind of a pissy thing to say to me,... considering Im still wondering when he's gonna go on MSN and he still hasnt. (now msn doesnt even work so it is a moot point!!)

Well .. he didnt even chat with me on MSN..... and he went straight to emailing other women because of these quote unquote "boyfriends". yeah sure,.. most sat. nights I dont go out.. I have no boyfriends, I have no sex.. I have no nothing..and he is jealous or insecure and says .. I have boyfriends thats why he is emailing women now.

You would think he would ASK first before he assumes. (danger sign there.. not good)

Anyway.. so far from the board.. I am messaging Zuzz the most and he's very cool.

I feel like Im only NOW starting to get closer to all these people.. altho I am not addicted.. sometimes I am on there for hours (such as on the weekends)

Its fun the people are very humorous and witty at times.. and its more interesting than most chat programs!!!!

More about this soon!!!!

- Wolfie :)

If a certain person.. has something to write to me

Write me at my EMAIL.. not HERE. I find it childish and very game like that I continue to get comments to private thoughts I am posting. I dont like it at all, it gives me the creeps, and what is said is completely untrue. Im really getting sick of it!

feeling very tired tonight trying to get sleep

There are just some people I simply do not want reading my blog as I am beginning to feel invaded. I can't even be personal knowing someone is sitting there reading it and posting negative messages that are redundant. Its ruining this blog.

This is my intention

All is not going so well for me right now. I know this too shall pass..but it feels interminable......
I spent a whole four day weekend (because I took Friday off as I had to be here for the overflowing sink)
& was left, basically, to my own devices. I have been so giving, and so "there" in the lives of the people
I have chosen to bond with. I have chosen quite a few different people, at the moment, all of them men,
and I have set out to become closer to them, in the hopes that with all of them, I might find great, close friendship
for all our lives, and with one of them, something more than great friendship, something more intimate and more
enticing.

In all this vast time..5 years that I have been single..that I have been there for others.. I sometimes wonder.. what happened?
They are not there for me. I seem to find so many men busy with the children they had with other women..and USING them
as an excuse either not to see me, or because they can't see me during the times I have time available. I did not create
a personal so that I might stare at the wall on a Saturday night.. or watch another re-run of Late night at the Apollo.
That is not the intent I had when I wrote the personal. I desired intimate, close, ties with people.. in a circle of friendship.
I desired someone loyal, available, and true. I dont want to elongate on all my desires. I don't wish to spill forth with
example after example of how I am there for others and they are not for me..just trust me.. when I write what I do.
What I do want to know.. is HOW can I find the people Im looking for? How do I choose who to focus on when there are
hundreds of men that come to my online non-physical door.. over a few months time? How am I supposed to know who
to focus on? I used to think that if someone had something in common with me, such as metaphysics - that would create a bond..
at times it DOES.. but that by itself does not....as the being of the soul has to have chemistry with me as well.. in whatever
capacity.

Overweight and bad looks arent a problem if we are to be friends, yet I would also want them to be around so that we
may have a long friendship.. if they are not taking care of their weight .. who will? If not them, who? I can only help
them with hypnosis, and that is a great and gradiose thing, but they have to remove the donut.. or whatever it is...
from their mouths.. they can, if I help them through hypnosis.. but I can't always be helping everyone all the time. Who
is helping me.

Im not here to say that Ive never been given too. I have. My friend Doug has been there when noone else has.. there
must have been a portal open when we met online, because he was the right person who came along.. and he has been
generous, giving..although he has all his issues to deal with. I am glad that he was in my life.. to help me during times
that were so stressful.. ie: when all my kittens were dying from the colds during 911.. I couldnt even watch 911 when I was
having a 911 of my own.

I guess thats why watching Vanilla Sky later that year. HIT ME SO HARD.. watching Tom Cruise jump out of that virtual
reality skyscraper in that metropolis. It plunged me into a depression..and that is what caused me to find the healer
that I knew would be out there. I knew that was the answer for my depression.. that wasnt leaving.
Interesting how one event, gives birth to another.. if one is crafty and intuitive enough to THINK and know what would
be the right healing modality..and then to find it and use it. One event created another, in perfect sync.

Anyway.. getting back to where I was....I accept now that I have been putting too much time and focus on men
out of STATE, or who are unavailable.. or in another country. TOO busy with kids that they are obsessed with.. and probably now.. men
who work in the entertainment field with ungodly hours and are never around to do things with. No wonder they all
commiserate among themselves. They end up marrying their nannies and the donut shop girl.. those CLOSEST IN PROXIMITY
to them. What imaginations.... (that was sarcasm of course.. that is NO imagination for them..)

I accept this.. although a while ago..perhaps a year or two.. I could see that I was wasting time on the wrong men.. but then I cut it out..
and yet..and yet.. I see them come to me in waves.. long tedious wastes of time.. men who will NEVER MOVE from their
homeland..far far and away...who are we all kidding here? If anything, they would expect me to move for them.. being men,
and most having such naturally large egos.. as would dictate a man to be. They call it confidence.. and with these egos
they would wish to humiliate or put down others .. to repress others.. this I write only because its reminding me of something
that I have been around lately. What is more weak...than a man who cannot be assenting but would instead insist that another,
namely, a woman, feel less than he, in order for him to flap his wings like a proud eagle?? That is not only animalistic, it is
childish. Where did these ideas come from?? A mother no doubt, spoiling her young baby son..at his beck and call..but when a man
grows up.. does he not know that a woman is not his mother?.. a thing to be put out of sight.. or like a slave, only to speak when
spoken too? To cast indifference upon, or worst yet.. TAKE FOR GRANTED.. as what happens to me so much, because I am so loyal
and "there for others".
What kind of weak man would want such a condition.. and I want a strong man who would not vibrate at the callous
and ridiculous levels of human drama such as one person, regardless of gender, suppressing and repressing another..because he is
so caught up in his gender role as a mortal. Perhaps he's forgotten who he is..but with all the funeral parlors around, how can that be?

I suppose most humans are in trance.. here only to marvel at the luminous displays of material oddities.. gleaming there like fresh pears
to be picked.. when in essence the only thing that matters would be food..and not such trivialities. They are hypnotised by life
and all the stupidities of life.. and that is NOT HOW I AM. I seek something pure, unfiltered and yet, nameable.

What is the key, the answer.. what should I look for.... what should I omit.. I have been burning bridges like crazy lately so much so that
you may see the lambent glow flicking in my eyes. I do believe that my spirit guide sent me a codeword that is a sign, to give me a hint when I meet someone and am talking to them on the phone. If they utter this word, they are NOT the one.. I should be with. I know the word.. of course I can't tell you it here.. or ever. Suffice to say, it has been a good secret word that has already helped me enormously.

What is your suggestion.. I wonder if it would be a good one.. to know WHO to focus on.. the suggestion (s) that will give me all the important
elements I seek.. the creativity, keenness and quickness of perception, the discernment... the intelligence and thoughtfulness I seek.. the generosity and availability that is so important. The feeling that I am special when I am around him and even when I am not, the specialness not spoken out of rote, but raw honesty. . The eyes on ME and not another.. the loyalty of a friend.
Its not as tho I am "picky", as some are quick to say or inquire. I simply like myself more than ever and know that if I were
to choose ONE.. it would be someone deserving of us both.. someone magnificent.. someone wonderful, loving, right and true.


That wild interminable waste of waves. --Grainger. "Shall not be a wave that I would use more" - Me

Happening this Friday

Well I have a cold..it came out of NOWHERE yesterday and intensified today, so I had to take the day off.. this ensured that I would get more rest too.. as I was planning to FINALLY bite the bullet and meet Barrett, who Ive known for a year. Surprise no surprise, he came home fell asleep never woke up, said his EX WIFE was in labor and he had to pick up his son. The entire night ruined, and another opportunity down the drain. Sure seems fishy to me..

I am meeting Mike R. on Sunday and I know all will go by just as planned and he won't cancel. The thing i like about him best is his enthusiasm for wanting to do things, for wanting to see me, I just LOVE that!

Well I have to go nurse this cold.. someones calling me on my phone too.. I think.. Feel free to leave messages!!!

and another beef.. WHAT I LOATHE AND DESPISE are these pricks who are easily accessable by email at work, email at yahoo, chat.. but when it comes time TO DO SOMETHING on the weekend.. they are NOWHERE in sight!!!!

I guess i have chosen wrongly and must try again.. Gather a whole different crowd of men and make my decisions more wisely. PICK men who do not have so many fucking distractions in their lives, that only leads them to insult me and dismiss me and make me feel secondary, and the do nothing to make up for that, and only think my job in life is to take MORE OF THEIR BAD MANNERS! For the love of god WHO NEEDS TO WASTE TIME FEELING LIKE THAT?!??!?!?!

Look into the rainbow spiral and feel yourself fall into yourself

Stare into the center of the lotus & free your mind

Stare into the eye of the hypno~swirl and sink down into exotic hypno bliss!

THE HIGHLIGHT OF TODAY IS SO COOL! haha! :)

The highlight of today was meeting Glenn Fords grandson online!!! I cannot tell you how astonishing and pleasing that was to me. In this rather banal existence that i am currently creating.. it heartens me to come across a relation to that star of old..that gave me countless hours of eternal tv entertainment as I grew up. These are the real stars of old.. the stars of today do not impress me at all. They have no intrigue, star quality or mystique. The stars of old.. Monroe, Gable, Holden, Harlow, Hayworth, Lombard, Grable, Tierney, O'Connor, Kelly, Lemon, Lamarr, Wood, Dean, Lancaster, Bacall and more.. are such an INTEGRAL part of my being here on Earth. They are thoroughly soaked into my DNA and I simply would not be able to recall and recapitulate my life, without scanning over these icons that were so deeply embedded into my mind as a child and young woman. They are part of me in this lifetime..and to know one of these icons is still alive (for I thought he was dead!) and to talk to his descendant.. is quite exciting. I am happy to have had the experience..and very very touched.. no matter how it turns out.

Puts such a step in my walk.. Gene Kelly Style!!!! :)

im the GREEN MILE lol

So i went over to heal my brother at the hospital..he has meningitis..and I was sooo drained..and picked up every symptom he had. I went to bed that night with a mask over my mouth..which only had my mom and her new b/f cracking up. (I wasnt laughing) Didnt want to give it to my pet children. Geez!~ My bro felt immensely better after I left.. I stayed about 2.5 hours..but I truly felt like shit. I picked up and absorbed his illness..and now its just starting to leave me tonight. I am so glad that I didnt infect anyone with this contagious disease. He had 2 spinal taps, I believe, and he finally found out that he had viral meningitus. We talked for a while, and when he was getting his tap, I excused myself to go to the bathroom, when I stood up, the floor was wobbling. I was disoriented. When I went home that nite, I slept fitfully, waking at one point, my eyes feeling puffy.. I was alarmed, but that symptom faded by morning. I think I picked up the illness and filtered it out of my body. I am NOT SUGGESTIBLE.. its my business to always be the one in control, because of the nature of my business when doing hypnosis. The subject is the one that is free floating and flowing, and I am always the guide, in control of their journey.

Well.. I had done a shamanic soul retrieval on him the night before, and I think way too much energy was flying about.. that night.. after I saw him.. I had a wild and vivid dream of being a captain in a fierce war! I was in this huge gutted indoor mall looking building. I have seen that building before too.. in other dreams. Its not really "gutted" but it is open in the middle, with a second floor along the sides of the building..the way a mall would look like. Know what I mean. Anyway.. it was scary.. first I was the captain, then myself.. getting out of there.. it was odd. I really dont remember much more than that.

I went to work late.. and walked in wearing a face mask.. I didnt want to get into trouble and contaminate anyone on the offchance I had picked something up. Right now, I am weak a bit.. but recovering, and not getting worse. I guess I'll cancel that appt. I had tomorrow at 11:30am.

Viva La Green Mile...!!!!! But I skipped the nasty vomiting black hornet bugs looking bit! Goodnite! (Listening to my beloved Coast to Coast radio! :)

Is there a coast to coast show near you? Find out

http://www.coasttocoastam.com/affiliates/ca.html

Update and substantiating evidence for my vision at age 12

I got this article from the coasttocoastam website.. Click on the picture of George below!





When I clicked on the link.. I saw many articles about people who had begun to see "Crosses of Light". The "first" reported one being near me, in El Monte, CA. and was picked up by THE PASADENA STAR NEWS! I lived in Arcadia, CA at the time of the vision...a stones throw from El Monte.. which is really a craphole.. they would need a miracle there. My vision though, was not seen "in or on a bathroom window" and came when I asked for it to, although I did not know what form it would take beforehand. Read the article below about the Cross of Light in El Monte!!!!!! All these years and I finally come upon something connected!

First cross of light
The first cross of light appeared in 1988. "Last weekend," the Pasadena Star News wrote on 27 May, "residents reported seeing a cross shining through a bathroom window of an apartment in El Monte." Eye-witness Mona LaVine stated she saw: "A cross of a pale golden light -- and simply beautiful." Margaret Romero, owner of the place, had the glass replaced by a neighbor’s window, but the cross kept shining. Within days, 12 more crosses appeared around the Los Angeles area.

I think this log says what I have to say about this odious subject matter..

mesowolfie: If I hear or read ONE MORE MAN TELL ME HE GOT LAID WHEN HE ALREADY KNEW ME
mesowolfie: I will explode
Sxfrk69: he got laid when he already knew you?
mesowolfie: not only is it disrespectful, its rude as hell to tell me
mesowolfie: SEVERAL
mesowolfie: I was talking about it with my friend in canada
mesowolfie: who ALSO wants me
mesowolfie: but he's too far away anyway
mesowolfie: and he said "perhaps you have some sort of sexual or psychic energy that gets them so fired up, that they reach out for what is available"
mesowolfie: I said "if thats so, Its fucked up" I had to laugh though..
mesowolfie: the fact that they would turn around AND STILL want me, after doing that with another person and telling me about it ...
mesowolfie: I should drop them
Sxfrk69: your the sexual stimulant for men huh?
mesowolfie: makes me feel they didnt even pause to take a shower
mesowolfie: and all sexually dirty.. they, these rogues express interest in me after just being w/ someone else - how classy eh.
mesowolfie: It happened with one woman..named deborah in ontario canada in 1997
mesowolfie: thats when it STARTED
mesowolfie: of course thats around the time I started using the internet
mesowolfie: and she picked someone else over me and chose to meet them and not me and they won and I lost..and it was so devastating to me
mesowolfie: and to this day I still havent met her
mesowolfie: then it happened in 2001 I think, with this guy named rene
mesowolfie: we had known of each other by phone and email for a few months, and he seemed just like what I wanted, and he was attractive to me
mesowolfie: and we planned on meeting in jan. of the new year..but he went to a PARTY..and met someone named denyyiiece
mesowolfie: who can't spell her name right - I can't remember how its spelled, nor can SHE.
mesowolfie: and altho we arranged to meet, he lied about why he had to cancel
mesowolfie: he canceled on me that NIGHT . To this day I still think she hasnt heard of me, the denyce person!
mesowolfie: His story was that he said his mom needed a gambling intervention. and he had to drive to san diego .. instead he went over to dennnniiiieeeece's house, and had sex no doubt. He never met me after that.
Sxfrk69: so instead of you he was with her
mesowolfie: yeah
mesowolfie: he tried to be friends with me for another yr but I always felt like I was second best
mesowolfie: I felt like he cut the wind right out of me when he did that
mesowolfie: cus i had already had this horrible experience with deborah through the net in '97
mesowolfie: The fact of not MEETING these people was very painful cus it ends up all in your head - and there are so many "unknowns" so many ..loose ends that don't get tied up into a neat bundle of understanding and comprehension.
mesowolfie: and I was the one that wasnt "real" cus he hadn't met me, and she was "REAL" because he met her .. bullshit!
mesowolfie: I predicted it would end, It did... 3 yrs later. cus he hung on for dear life, it was a losing battle,.. I told him, warned him, that you can't have happiness at the expense of hurting someone else -this is now a great understanding..more people should learn this lesson.

mesowolfie: then there was Mike R.
mesowolfie: We were getting along famously!
mesowolfie: I really liked him.. I didnt want to meet him fast because of all that had happened before in the romantic dept. I had met other men before but I wasnt attracted to them. I wanted to be SURE with men ever since those experiences..thats why I take more TIME.
mesowolfie: so guess what happens
mesowolfie: I finally arrange to meet him on a saturday
mesowolfie: and the DAY BEFORE, he goes to a PARTY ---
mesowolfie: and meets a woman who is crazy about him!
mesowolfie: and because he's so insecure of his looks, I get to suffer!
His head gets totally turned around, and he goes for her. He gives her MY NIGHT.. Saturday, and calls me in the morning to cancel on me and tell me about some new chick in his life that he's known for 24 HOURS while hes known me for months!!! I mean, don't I get some fuckin' seniority here at least? FUCK THAT!
mesowolfie: He claims that he will continue being my friend, but he doesnt hold up to his end of the bargain
Sxfrk69: sounds like you just have bad luck
mesowolfie: I predicted it would end, and my friend doug predicts it will end in april because she has someone else
mesowolfie: and it ALL comes true
mesowolfie: nods ..but theres more..haha
mesowolfie: then he COMES BACK
mesowolfie: and now he wants to meet me all over again
mesowolfie: apologizing profusely, asking me to realize that he is "an unattractive man" and a woman who likes him is some kind of anomaly apparently..Im paraphrasing here..
mesowolfie: and this doesnt happen "often" says he..
mesowolfie: but when she was in his life and it was all new, he was so cold to me
mesowolfie: but I still forgave him after that. because I dont have head issues
mesowolfie: like these people do
mesowolfie: so then I meet Leonard, and he is sexy..and passionate but something about him scares me
mesowolfie: so I avoid meeting him right away - and meantime Im getting signs GALORE from my guides about how is right for me...
mesowolfie: So..after a 2-3 week chat hiatus he comes back to inform me he GOT LAID in april!!!!!!!! when I think we had something that was building!
mesowolfie: lol HA!
mesowolfie: pathetic
Sxfrk69: oh well
mesowolfie: Then I met this guy... he's really new.. and I am interested in him.. but I keep it low, cus I want to get to know him first and find out what he's about
mesowolfie: and he just told me HE GOT LAID !!!!!!! I know hate that term!!! lol!!!!
mesowolfie: meantime he answered my personal because of his interest in getting to know ME.
mesowolfie: Ive only known him for a while..
mesowolfie: so whats this all about alfie?
mesowolfie: I mean Im noone's second banana
Sxfrk69: actually it sounds like everyone is getting laid but you..
mesowolfie: yea but only after they meet me . HAHAHA!!!!
Sxfrk69: well not meet just talk to.. HE HE
mesowolfie: Its still meeting me
mesowolfie: they are aware of my existence
mesowolfie: They have my number, they know my pictures, my thoughts
mesowolfie: and we are moving towards something..thats the only reason Im talking to them at all
Sxfrk69: I thought you talked to people for friends as well?
mesowolfie: Im conversing with these people to figure out what it is that we want from each other, and that takes TIME
mesowolfie: I have friendship as the foundation always, yes, of course, but there is always an open window for MORE. I did not place a personal that said "looking for platonic friends only" It says Friendship and more with the right person --
mesowolfie: I always have to have a foundation of friendship, I think that is very healthy
Sxfrk69: ok
Sxfrk69: so if you thought they were only going to be friends and nothing more would you stop talking to them as much?
mesowolfie: It doesnt mean I want to have sex with my friends..because I dont believe in having sex with friends, I dont believe that you should be attracted to your friends, or else there is the possibility of it becoming more later at times which might be dangerous for someone or someone else involved. Ive been through all that so thats how I know
Sxfrk69: ok
mesowolfie: Of course not! I always value my friends. I would love to go places with them, do things, have stimulating conversations. I need to be mentally stimulated, thats very important to me.
mesowolfie: You see what you describe is someone that is a user
mesowolfie: I dont talk to people just to get something out of them
mesowolfie: If I could find someone that would value me for the soul and person I am.. then everything else is just..frosting
Sxfrk69: there are plenty of those out there
mesowolfie: some people actually believe that people on the internet are "less than" someone you would meet anywhere else
mesowolfie: but these are the same people u would find anywhere
mesowolfie: I hate the term "getting laid" the only reason I use the term, is that I am making fun of those that use the term
mesowolfie: and Ive been saying it all day, but in an impersonation of some horny dude
mesowolfie: cus the whole things become a joke.. I was cracking up a friend on the phone
mesowolfie: it became a comedy bit
Sxfrk69: ok
mesowolfie: The main reason it bothers me, is that I feel like its a reflection ON me
mesowolfie: people say "dont feel that way about it" but I can't help it
mesowolfie: since everyone is at the center of their own universe..what do you think Im gonna feel? I mean.. honestly..this is all I know.. to pay ATTENTION.. to the signs and symbols around us.
mesowolfie: This is my small world and these are the men I am encountering in it
mesowolfie: its not good for me
Sxfrk69: well you have to simply find someone who is right for you
mesowolfie: easier written than done

I feel a rant comin on

Hmmm seems the simplest things need to be EXPLAINED to some people.. I feel a rant coming on. I was on the phone for nearly 2 hours laughing and joking about what losers some men are.. and the need for them to get laid by more than one person at any given point? Either way I need a vegetarian sandwich first, to fortify me...

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

Ok.. well tonite Im a bit depressed.. it started with my landlady coming over for the rent money.. and instead of chit chatting about normal positive upbeat things, she asks intrusive and rude queries such as "hows your job, still stable?" and "how many cats do you have?". That one really depressed me, as I signed on the lease that I had FOUR cats and she knows that. I replied "4" and she did this mock aghast look, and I finished "but you knew that" and she said "I didnt really know, I knew you had more than one". WHAT THE FUCK?? ITS ON THE LEASE! I told her before I even set foot into this apartment. :((( that TOTALLY bummed me out and set me off to worry about my pets some more.. never mind I thought they were in trouble from the wiring problem. Then I come home..and doug is telling me about his bucko bucks he is getting from the sale of his mothers house..and how his brother is going to give him an advance cus the check hasnt "come in yet".. and he is quitting his job in less than a week cus he's got "F U money". Meantime he screamed at the top of his lungs to me on the phone, simply because I asked him to stay at my apt. while I was at my work. I lost a whole weeks pay cus I HAD TO STAY HOME because of this electrical wiring problem. :( Wish I had FU MONEY!!!! It was so depressing to hear how good his life is.. and all he had for me a week ago was raging screams.

Then I get home, and L who is an online friend, tells me he's off to Vegas to see sexy women dance and strip probably, but that "he really doesnt want to go" (thats hard to believe).. and every time I want to get closer, I hear something like that from him, that totally sends me in the opposite direction, and I close up instead of opening up. This is a guy who claims he wants to settle down and have a "family".. well if this is what he wants.. he sure is messing it up. I guess in the end I got more depressed, cus I feel I will never find the right man. Esp. at my age.. how long do I have anyway? Lololol.. I felt so bad.. like a dark cloud descending.. its not like when Im in my 20's.. back then, you had SO MUCH TIME to deal with.. plenty of aces up yer sleeve.. now I feel.. there are only so many men.. and in my personal, I keep getting responses from silver hairs who have one foot in the grave.. N puhleese!

I just want a companion..someone to do things with.. to spend time with.. who respects my pets..and doesnt see them as a distraction or detraction. I want happiness.. it remains elusive..do you realize that in Jan. of 2005.. I will be single for FIVE YEARS??? That is disturbing..

I met two very nice down to earth men, Brian and Brad.. and they both appear to be salt of the Earth types. Brians a vegetarian, which always surprises me.. as I feel so alone in that.. so often. He seems very nice. I really don't know either man that well...they are very quiet and did not really give me a review of what they thought about me.. or what they want. As all men seem to do, they are very tightlipped... the depression lingers.....

Yawn.. Im so bored.

Im not tired at all damn

Im not tired at all and have to get up in 3.5 hours to bike 18 miles! I slept too damn late on sunday. I was supposed to meet Barrett and he had his issues to deal with.. lololol.. just kidding. He had all wkend to meet me.. he's someone I met online so damn long ago.. I can barely remember when we met. He seems to think he's aged like the portrait of dorian grey..and worries I will find that irksome. Anyway.. I finally got my electrical "insulation" wiring smell problem fixed and its NOT been back. The smell was still there even though the outlet was fixed and replaced actually be B. I met B on wed. and thurs. and he is a VERY nice person..and very down to earth. He lives rather far. So a HUGE weight has lifted off my back from the potential fire hazard that would have killed all my pets. Now I have another huge weight as I missed almost a whole weeks worth of work.. because I was afraid that the apt. would burn down to the ground as I would be gone so long. Its my final (probably) financial crisis and then I will be FINE. Well I dont want to create a work week where I am exhausted and have to wait till Sat. to recover.. so I will go now. To all a night good, and to all a goodnight!

Why I normally don't get along with Scorpio MEN & selfish men most of all!

Ive noticed for quite a sustained period of time..that I don't seem to get along with scorpio men. They aren't really LIKE ME in many ways.. they are too staid, dull, intense, jealous, secretive, and crazy. You would think.. who would get along with someone that exhibited all those traits? Girls..be careful. They will always project onto you, and truly believe that its you that has the problem, not them. I would say this is a less evolved man. Between Doug freaking out and ranting AT ME because I wanted him to stay at my apartment while I worked, so I wouldnt lose money, to J saying "fuck you" to me..because I didnt "feel grateful for the gift of the phone chargers" they can be really mannerless and mean.  As mean as it gets...
 
The entire reason I stayed home..was that the GIFT of the phone charger which is NOT the right phone charger for my cell phone, overheated my bathroom wiring, creating a ricochet effect, frying the overhead lighting and burning out wires... This happened because someone wanted to cut corners.. well.. you can see the patterns forming here. Why would I be "grateful" for a gift that caused SO MUCH damage in my life..and has resulted in the loss of four days pay, which I will never see.. I guarantee you that!  and thoughtless uncaring men will not even help me out of.. when they caused it? Can you imagine someone actually telling me I need to be grateful for a gift that caused all hell to break loose, which resulted in crying, anxiety, upset, and intense worry that my cats would be FRIED IF I WENT TO WORK??!?!?!? While the sender lived life to the fullest... planning on having sex with me, at some undesignated, but affirmed (to himself!) space-time coordinate in the Future!!!!

There are really some CLUELESS people out there. I don't know if they are just so into themselves that they can't think of anyone else but themselves, of if they just can't put themselves into my shoes. I asked J if he could put himself into my shoes, he said "I do it with everybody". Wrong answer and not true. If for one MINUTE a man "could put himself into my shoes" he would have IMMEDIATE understanding of my dilemma, pains and upset, and DO SOMETHING TO HELP OUT. Since when is it a CRIME and a negative thing to extend a helping hand? He just said tonight that he only has "two friends he can count on". WELL I SEEM TO HAVE NONE IN THE END!! (EXCEPT for B of course!) Ive been talking to J, as I have with others, for a year..and none of them are people I can count on. They are like GOOD TIME CHARLIES.  Yes, they sit there like lumps on a log and listen to my life and.. NOT FOR ONE MOMENT..help.
 
These are the scorpio men that I am getting to know. At least Doug HAS been there and has helped..and he has been upset that so many men want a PIECE OF MY ASS.. or want to BE WITH ME in a romantic relationship..but they do NOTHING of physical action to SHOW AND PROVE they care and can relate to me.  Once Doug raved to me that he could not believe that someone who told me he was interested in me, and made as much money as he claimed to have made, does not lift ONE FINGER in any way to truly make a positive change or relief in my life.. yet spends his time talking to me about how he wants to be in my life.. in different ways.. and talking about .. or alluding to ..how he would like to be physically close to me.. or have sex with me.

Its not that I demand that he "help me". Its that, if he is a truly caring person, he ought to be offering. I guarantee you that!

I have to agree this is not only odious.. but a type of person that would probably use me and throw me out. I have not seen any care or compassion. I have talked to people on the phone and heard them say "I am giving, I give you my time", with no thought that I am giving them my time, my free hypnosis, my compassion, my loyalty, my help, my humor, my attention, my entertainment, my thoughts and words and deeds, and yes, even physical greeting cards! They make me sick. What happened to the REAL MEN who would stop FUCKING TALKING ABOUT FUCKING ME and do something real and meaningful for me INSTEAD!  Where the hell are they. Im sure they are out there.. they are just not in my presence yet. The way a man treats me is being clearly noticed by yours truly, I do not become REAL WHEN HE MEETS ME.. or I meet him.. I already AM REAL.. ASSHOLES!
 
What all this has to do with Scorpio men.. is that I am around a few right now. They are too intense and too obsessive in the beginning and distanced and detached later.. they do not show their emotions, they hide.. as if that is any way to express oneself, their intense feelings are kept under a firm lid, and the other person who is the OBJECT of their affections never finds out till way later. They are very dramatic, cannot see the forest for the trees, the long end of it, the final outcome and the grand finale because of the fact that they are so very solidly stuck in the present. They need to get out of their own way and lose the TUNNEL VISION and think of someone ELSE besides THEMSELVES!!!!! In the end..the reason they act this way.. is that they are just afraid little boys.
 

Final reveal

Thanks for the final reveal of this extreme makeover competition.
Yes i remember you.. and I often wondered why U stopped writing.
I thought you were someone else..but if you had as many men
writing to you as I have writing to me, you would know why its easy
to forget people and move right along.  The moving on thing happens because people just get busy, and never get any more "what ups" from the people they are corresponding with.

Mira, destesticulado, deja de dejarme mensajes en español, idiota pedante que sólo te escondes anónimamente!  Demando saber quien eres, cobarde sin entrañas.  Escoria sin espinazo pedazo de hombre!  Muéstrate Satanás! Deja de dejarme "la última palabra" tipo de mensajes, afeminado transexual baboso hijo de perra!

Howards leaving tonight

at the Boulevard..Howards last night is tonight..lucky we came. I was sad..but I tried to brush it off. He says that he makes "fives times as much money" at "the derby" than he does at "the bouldevard"... never mind he is surrounded by friends at the blvd. His acting gigs are slowing down, but his bartending is picking up. I felt sad because of that phenomena of everyone "leaving" and Im so sick of that happening. It threatened to ruin my joi de vevir or however you spell it. My friend said "we will visit you there" but I wonder if we will. The worst about it is, it won't BE THE SAME.. some place where "everyone is goodlooking" and they hire them because those bartenders can make more money. a regular coyote ugly.
 
Who fucking cares. All I know is.. because of MONEY again.... A SERIES of events.. a way of being.. a comfortable chair.. a couch worth sitting on... is OVER..
 
Its over.. and we only have tomorrow to look forward to. For him. more successful times..better days.. at least monetarily are available..he will never meet my baby sister now..he will never hear me sing for the first time..but at least he will make several hundred a nite. a legend.. a time.. an era.. IS OVER......
 
WHATEVER ...
 
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGhhhhhhhhh. (so much that i am thinking.. so much I keep to MYSELF)
 
clunk.
 
 
 
 

Wasssup

To the person who is constantly leaving post responses

If you don't reveal who you are.. STOP leaving responses. Youre a fucking COWARD.

Sat. morning - a new day is dawning

Busy Sunday.. so I only have one day to get a lot done. Had back problems galore a day ago. My friends finally moving out of his ancestral home.. and will sleep in his room only a few more days, to hear him tell it. I really wonder if I should use this format.. a web log to talk about anything that I consider truly deep.. as some FUCK who doesnt tell me who he is, cowers behind his monitor to insult me.. pretending that he offered his true friendship..yet..where the hell is he? I dont SEE HIM ANYWHERE. If this is so true, he'd have been in my life by now. Its so EASY to make claims and flap ones lip, and produce nothing.
 
As I have often stated..many people live in their minds and fantasize of the noble endeavors that they never actually DO. This is one typical man. He can make statements in type..yet never went out of his way to pursue me, or to be as bold and honest and non-cowardly as stating what it is that he wants with me. He asks nothing, he states nothing.. whenever it was that i knew him.
 
You know..this is typical of the reticence to communicate and loathsome hiding and disconnection of people who use the internet. People can make themselves sound grand in print, in type..but they write of actions Ive never seen.. of flourishing, grandiose promises that I NEVER PERSONALLY HEARD.
 
These people only serve to further piss me off..and reinforce what I was talking about earlier. If they were REAL they would pick up the goddamned phone AND CALL ME.. not write a comment on my BLOG. 

Thou dodgey ill-breeding, goatish, swag-bellied mammet...

motherfuckers..... (grumble)
 
 

Im tired again lol

I have to lay upon my bed and meditate..or something. Stay away from onliners messaging me. The psychic vampire syndrome doesnt always go away..but I have to have a force field and realize not everyone is going to be the diamond in the rough. Obviously Im looking for something that may not even be here anymore. I do have faith I will find it.

I am on a diet,,.. and lo..the diet is good..

and its working..altho I have to get more supplies. Im using www.ediets.com and even tho they are a bit expensive, (and it seems most would like to get the most for as little as possible) it gives me order, planned out menus, and thusly, clarity of thought. I dont tend to show weight loss on a scale, but all my clothes start loosening up instead. I wish I had a partner I could do it with..and that we could support each other.. but of course thats not happening.

I would love to meet some of these people who I met online but have still not met in person. Its just that, because almost all of them are men, they all expect something more than friendship, at least they are hoping for more. That turns me off so much, that I end up hermitting and not meeting anyone. For crying out loud, if Im not attracted, or not ready for something more serious than friendship, why in the hell would I want to meet a bunch of needy, desperate, codependent, or horndog nerds and jerks? Thats what they all boil down to most of the time. Ive seen it proven.. even in lab experiments. I thought that the more evolved species of "male" would be lesbian..but they are too busy emulating males (the worst part of them) to ever be a service to huMANity. Notice how everything that encompasses "all" has the word man in there? No coicidence of course. No synchronicity there.. its so consciously placed. Pretty funny..

Im glad there are only 3 daze left to this week

Ive been having very vivid, detailed dreams, I can only theorize what they mean.. in some ways they seem very direct, and some parts symbolic. I usually do not have symbolic dreams. I dreamt I was naked, wanting to shower with someone. I walked around this big house..with many beautiful bathrooms with gorgeous large showers.. the sort perhaps queens would use. Noone would shower with me. I felt there was an erotic/mystical component to the showers. Finally, I think, I had a man in a hot tub at the end..but I think I created him myself.. he wasnt a real dream character.. kind of like.. a prop. We just looked at each other, and he didnt DO anything. Weird. Later, I went to google and did a search on pictures w/ the word "Shower". I came upon a comely lad's photo.. I went to his site. I found out it was a blog, and he was gay. He was very interesting.. a very smart man, and in one entry, he was not walking for some reason. I saw the word "Brian" in his writings right away..which is the name that haunts me, and the last name I kept calling and calling in that shower dream. Brian Knight.. was his name. I don't know if such a man exists! This man touched on a few synchronicities of mine (in his blog). Its all tied together. Of course.

I have to go to bed soon.. I could write till forever.. but I havent that much time. I am in the midst of losing weight..and I bike 18 miles to work for exercise, in the morning! Of course .. when its cool. I love it.. listening to Howard Stern, and riding.. its a very happy work out that I cherish. I think I will always look back at these memories in happiness. The feeling of such a luxury to listen to entertaining humor in my ears, as I pedal, knowing Im doing something good for myself. Some people think Im doing this and its really hard.. I know its for the benefits. I wish I could do it more often in nature. I love talk radio.. its fills my mind with the mental stimulation I always need. Lord knows.. my work is a BORE!!!!!

************ gOODniGht~~~~!!**********

Its a boring weekend, on the most deadly weekend of the year..

I might do 2 hypno sessions before the weekends through, and of course, I have Monday off.

Late night at the apollo is on.. some of the acts are lame. I checked my personals mail.. got a bunch of responses from men who are way too ELDERLY. What makes them THINK for a MOMENT that I would want to date much less be with someone as old as anybody over the age of 40? Im having a hard enough time with men in their 40's as that wouldn't be my first choice either. I don't want my "soulmate" dropping dead of heart thombosis because they didnt take care of themselves during a decade where most men have heart attacks.. which is the 40's and 50's of course. Its just not worth the effort. You have to say to yourself in the end.. if they don't take care of their health.. why make me suffer?

Later IN THE NEWS.. as my gay friend Wil has his 30th threesome.. I lay in bed channel surfing. Well, its better than dealing with some weird guys dramatic needs...

MY IDEA OF A REAL MAN BABY!

The following are photos and comments to the loves I never had, who never touched me physically, but delighted my sensory mind from afar nonetheless~!!xoxoxooxox~~~....

Now here we go! What better way to get to know "real men" but to watch "GIDGET" as it reruns on ch. 11, 5, 9 and 13 until the end of time????? This movie was made in '59 with James Darren and Cliff Robertson. It starred Sandra Dee in the starring role. It was about a childish, short dork virgin girl who didnt have the sense to double-team two HOT guys on the beaches of Southern California. Um hm, yessss..thats what it was rrrreally about. This girl was the same in real life.. so innocent, being molested by her dad, she is now presently a lesbian, still cute as a button. Move over Gidge.. it takes a REAL WOMAN to have two real men like these hotties in this lovely eye catching movie, and I won't let EITHER one of them get away. From Darren's dark italian young looks, to Robertsons brooding older guy loner demeanor.. I ain't gonna be just WRITIN' in my fuckin diary THIS Summer!!! lololololol!!!

I don't care what you think.. I think Donal Logue makes me mindless. He is so hot.. so sexy.

I dont know who this guy is, I found it on the web.. but he's hot.

I know ya'll gonna make fun of me already.. so mock me all you want..but I cannot EXPLAIN my attraction to John (cougar) Mellencamp. It happened back in the early 80's, when I heard him croon in that sultry, lilting voice, about how it HURT so Good. I was hooked. He had everything that makes me crazy about a man. Talent, down to earth characteristics, realism, loyalty, and even looks. Ok, so he wasnt that TALL.. he was actually pretty short.. and in some pics he has really long hair and looks almost girlish. Theres a magnetism and profundity about his countenance that drives me crazy. Its what I look for in people. Its what I consider a "real man". I can't explain it (altho I think I tried to.. lolol) but that man is so fucking sexy I can't stand it. Granted, now he's literally a cadaver, and his choice of home states REALLY REEKS (altho I heard they have Starbucks in Indiana) but then..he was always traveling.. so how often was he in INDIANA ANYWAY?!??!???? lol. This man is what I look for..as far as magnetism goes.. it can exist in any look.. but goddamn.. he epitomizes it in some odd way. He ruled me during the 80s..but I finally grew away.. he'll always have a place in a strange part of my soul.. and I still don't even know where that is anyway or why I like him so much. Must be a past life thang....... (following is a short pictorial on him)

as I remember my loooove... er, opps.. wrong pic..

the sexy s.o.b.

Well from this photo, it appears as john begins to resemble king tutankhamen, he's traded up for a younger, blonder wife. Amazing he could attract someone who doesnt know who the beatles were. I too need money and fame now.

as I remember it..

What?!?! Did I miss something? (now wondering if he REALLY was into s & m..)

What the hell happened to little Johnnie Cougar? Dayam. (recent album)

the kid inside..is now an ol' coot. ....damn..

For several seconds, sometimes totaling minutes, I had the strange desire to shove Danny Kaye into the closet and make him a man. No matter how queer that is...

THIS IS HOT.. HOT HOT HOT..hot hot.. (hee hee)

Here was one of my childhood fantasies believe it or not! The train carbeds scene in "some like it hot" with Jack Lemmon and Marilyn. Oh Jesus .. if I had been there.. even in full drag Jack wouldnt have made it out of the bed! LOLOLOLOL!!! That scene inflamed my senses and invoked such longing of "memorable clinchs" WOW.. all I can say is.. with those looks and that personality.. Jack Lemmon would have NEVER been safe around ME.

Another shot of the incomparable (and probably well forgotten) ALAIN.. looking so damn fine. I love him for his personality of course.

If there is a heaven, this guys in it..none other than yet ONE MORE PERSON youve probably never heard of.. haha! Alain Delon! Jesus Christ lord have mercy..the smoldering alone would take weeks to put out...... sigh..

Altho at times I considered Pete, my love for Ben wins out every time.. Mmmm... oh yessss..1971 was a very good yr for alias smith and jones, this western starring the hottie BEN MURPHEY (idol!) and pete duel (who later commmited suicide and they had to replace him with some dick who was once married to Jaclyn Smith). My FAV western tv show and the reason why I like any western at all!!! I love PISCEAN ben murphy and for yrs thought him as my soulmate. Altho too damn gorgeous in those days, he's aged horrifically, now doing theater as the CRYPT KEEPER. What else? I love him tho!!!!!! (why do I feel 15 as I relate all the loves of my life? LOL)

My idea of raw unyielding unhinged sexual depravity. All exhibited in this jew. You GO boy! Rarrrrrrrr!!!!

My name is Nobody, but baby you can shine my shoes!!! Terence Hill.. I had no idea he was Italian till tonight. lol. Jesus look at the intensity of those eyes! I knew I remembered him from the 70's and once i saw him, I could never forget him.

The power of Water

Its important that you read the book "The Hidden Messages in Water". The book illustrates an eye-opening theory showing how water is deeply connected to people's individual and collective consciousness. Drawing from his own research, scientific researcher, healer, and popular lecturer Dr. Masaru Emoto describes the ability of water to absorb, hold, and even retransmit human feelings and emotions. Using high-speed photography, he found that crystals formed in frozen water reveal changes when specific, concentrated thoughts are directed toward it.

Music, visual images, words written on paper, and photographs also have an impact on the crystal structure. Emoto theorizes that since water has the ability to receive a wide range of frequencies, it can also reflect the universe in this manner. He found that water from clear springs and water exposed to loving words shows brilliant, complex, and colorful snowflake patterns, while polluted water and water exposed to negative thoughts forms incomplete, asymmetrical patterns with dull colors. Emoto believes that since people are 70 percent water, and the Earth is 70 percent water, we can heal our planet and ourselves by consciously expressing love and goodwill.

Imagine this, before we came into this physical bodies, As a living cell, we started out as 99% water, as a fetus and then a baby as 90% water. As adult we become 70 percent water, then when you get older you become 50 % water.

The photographs in the book shows amazing results. Water is a living, breathing energy and can absorb information by thoughts, It can also read and listen to music.

They did so many tests in their experiments and as a result
hundreds of families throughout japan conducted the same experiment. One family tried a variation of the experiment like the others, they said "Thank you" and "I love you, We appreciate you" to a bottle of rice. They also said bad words to another bottle of rice and ignored another bottle. The results were again the same. The bottle of rice that was ignored was actually damaged and rotted before the ones that were ridiculed.

To give your positive or negative attention to something is a way of giving energy. The most damaging form of behavior is withholding your attention.

I think that this experiment has the potential to teach us a very
important lesson. We must take care to give our children and other people our attention. Talk with them. Speak words of kindness. Love should begin from the time of conception.

Treating your houseplants gently, looking on them kindly and speaking words of praise will help make them healthy and alive. This also applies to pets, insects and other living things. We are all made of water.

Please read this book. We need to start respecting our natural
resources.The memory of life arrived on this earth carried by the soul of the water. Water retains information and turns into gas as it goes to the cosmos and then back to our planet.

I myself have always been aware of the healing and manifesting abilities of water. Whenever I seriously want to manifest someone or something in my life, I write out a specific "intention" and speak it aloud in or near water. Water is an amplifying device or medium, as is a crystal. Water will amplify your request and boom it out into the Universe. The Universe has only one order, and that is to follow your command and give you exactly what you request.

Typical online guy

i eye sir

Earth angel..earth angel.. pLLLLLEEEASE be mmmmine.....my darlin dear.. love me all the time...

The weekend was a bust for most of it.. but Sunday took a philosophical upswing with a few nice men making me feel a whole lot better on the phone. Thanks goddess for them, or the night would have ended capped off as a monotonous disaster. I am glad for them. I am!

I was so exhausted last night

That when I got home, I went to bed and crashed. The next time I woke up, the next day, it was 11am. I knew the DSL guy was coming after 1pm sometime.. so I had my alarm set already. Just as I predicted, he found nothing wrong with my DSL. Gee, I should have bet money on that. I was so correct. That did not, however, help my situatino of not having cable for weeks on end.

Now Im tired again.. and its almost 7pm.. The movie Bladerunner is on..and has been playing in the background.. its a weird movie and I never see the whole thing. All's I's knows, is the last time I saw it, it was 1986 and some guy I briefly dated kept calling sean young's character "pretty", but in a real creepy voice. Kinda like Vinnie on Howards show. This was Kevins fav movie. Wherever he is now..who the hell knows. He fancied himself a photographer. also, all's I's knows, is that in this movie, this was the LAST TIME Harrison Ford was ever goodlooking. He looks like a death warmed over corpse these days. I visited my sisters at the shop, returned some pants, worked out a little, thought of calling Jeff in S.C... then wondered why it was always up to me to call him, so fluffed it off. He really should call me, so that I don't feel like Im doing all the work again. All the thoughtfulness. I don't know what sort of PLANS that man has in for me.. but he's not getting anywhere as long as he stays cheap, thoughtless and depriving me of the amount of thoughtfulness and care I require. He laughs a lot at my jokes, but if he thinks Im the sort of person who will change my mind and think cheap is it for me, he's gonna wake up to reality really FAST. I take care of myself now, and look out for myself now, as I didnt really feel I was doing that before. I need to have my needs met, if I ever want to be with anyone again.

Meantime.. all the dregs of huMANity.. have been messaging me and losing out on becoming my lifelong friend. One guy claimed he'd meet me, and has put me on hold. I DID get a sign about him, and I was so pissed when I heard it, and talked to him about it (something about his having loved asians and I thought it was an asian fetish) I DIDNT want to be with someone like THAT.. and he tried to force me to believe I was wrong. Well now look.. he hasnt even been online for a week or more, and I was right about it. My guides always look out for me. I should have just deleted his name from my buddylist..he like a slick salesman, is too far away and too filled with fibs to ever take seriously. I am tired of waiting for fun to happen. Why SHOULD I? Lifes too short!

Then this new age guy who CLAIMS not to be new age, and talks about nothing but GOD AND THE LORD AND ONENESS was messaging me a lot about that. Its always a turn off when I get that. Im more metaphysical than ANYONE I know, but I don't go around proselytizing about GOD and the lord and oneness till I want to excrete. This is ridiculous. We all know GOD is GOOD..even tho most people don't know really what GOD is.. thats why so many people are hooked into churches and religions..pass the basket and leave a donation..because youre doing it for GOD..and by the way, can I molest your little boy??? Wheres the priest when you need him.. molesting someone. This guy wasnt religious, but he SURE SOUNDS IT. Which was a huge turn off to me. I am the only one, too, that I know that has had a full blown out spiritual vision..when I was 12, but I certainly am a level headed and down to earth person.. Im not up in the clouds like someone bi polar. My moods are pretty even. As they say, even Jesus had a temper tantrum, he was not perfect.. but then that is because he got so pissed off at the hedonists he found doing everything they werent supposed to do! hahaha.... Everyones a loon, it seems. and yet..and yet..they want to be with someone..and are with noone. I do not want a commmitment as of yet.. but I certainly admit it.

So I blew those men off..because they are freaks and cowards. I have no space in my life.. for a moment!!! For.. a coward.

Exile (~poem~)

Exile

Cold as the northern winds
In December mornings,
Cold is the cry that rings
From this far distant shore

Winter has come too late
Too close beside me
How can I chase away
All these fears deep inside?

I'll wait the signs to come
I'll find a way
I will wait the time to come
I'll find a way home

My light shall be the moon
And my path - the ocean
My guide the morning star
As I sail home to you

I'll wait the signs to come
I'll find a way
I will wait the time to come
I'll find a way home

Who then can warm my soul?
Who can quell my passion?
Out of their dreams - a hoat
I will sail home to you

Just to Balance out the posts... I present The True Meaning Of Spirituality

I have to say.. that I am a well balanced person. I was deep in conversation about this today.. we both met his friend who is a very spiritual, warm, caring and loving man who believes that true spirituality comes from meditation. Alhough he loves to laugh.. adores NATURE.. babbling brooks, great mountains, calm contemplative lakes, birds, wholesome foods, fresh air.. ..he judges clubs as negative places to attend, he goes to bed at 10PM and he swears. The day I met him he made many off color "blue" type jokes, that were rude because a lady was present.. (yes, that would be me.. hahaha). I didn't know how to respond. His "idea" of what it means to be "spiritual" comes from the philosophy that there is no judgement or "sin" in words.. and that you cannot offend another, you can only allow yourself to be offended. He didnt tell me this, I just knew this. I agree with this for the most part..however..it needs to be amended.

He said he once heard Howard Stern on the radio. For ten minutes. He called him "a radical". Yet Stern and this man both tell penis jokes.

The problem with that mentality, is that you should at least have the thoughtfulness to know who you are dealing with before you let go with the sexual jokes that are, of course, in context with whatever he was talking about, but I honestly had no interest in hearing about his sex life.. or his ideas about it, his masterbating when he was younger, his "third leg" reference, because I just met him, and understood him to be a simple, traditionally spiritual man.

I also realized very quickly upon meeting him, that he doesn't like to do anything spiritual other than "his own way".. so all other very real and practical uses of psychic phenomenon are disregarded by him because he does not believe that tecniques are necessary. He heals, BUT HIS WAY.. so he invalidates such healing modalities as "Reiki", for instance. There are a series of steps in Reiki that you must follow in order to tap into the river of Reiki energy. Reiki just IS.. its something that exists, but because he would follow a series of steps, this means someone or something is "telling him what to do". He invalidates it by losing interest and not researching the phenomena.

I didnt like this stance.. as I am a hardcore researcher, with a very inquisitive and investigative mind. I use WHAT WORKS. I actually listen, I have an open mind.. not that he didn't, but this insistence that all knowledge is obtained simply by meditating on ones navel is not ALL there is..and believe me, there is so much more... This idea diminuitizes knowledge. Experiencing him.. he seems to think that personal "centeredness" ONLY comes from being in nature, only comes from staying away from tv or being computer illiterate, ONLY COMES from not going to clubs and bars lest you become hyp~NO~tised by the mirrorball.. & instead comes from comtemplating his 3rd leg in meditation at the Realization Fellowship, or in his home, or on the freeway in traffic.
I suppose his idea of proving he's in sync with the "hip-and-with it spiritually well rounded" club means swearing and telling dirty jokes in front of what he called " a beautiful woman who has a sense of humor TOO!". (ha)

Anyway.. I suppose he would also not care for my hypnosis, which is very great and transformative..but he would not appreciate it..because "it would be telling him what to do". ~ lol ~

The other thing that I thought was odd..and off putting .. was that he called me a term of endearment as soon as he met me.. at first I was a little flattered at such homey and endearing pleasantness and instant liking, feeling that he sensed something in me that he didn't find in others .. at least.. so much..... (he is also very touchy, which is off putting brought on so soon.. it doesnt completely feel REAL with someone you don't know).. slightly surprised at such a closeness, I was more surprised at the restaurant to find him calling the waitress the very SAME term of endearment! Even later when I mentioned this to my friend, laughingly, but marveling at this, my friend echoed my thoughts.. "we both thought we were special, till we realized he goes around calling everyone this special term of endearment". (lol)

Don't get me wrong.. this man.. he is loving, he has a warm embrace, BUT.... the DAY I have to stop watching tv, the day when I no longer listen to radio and miss great shows like HOWARD STERN and Art Bell, the day when I have to say LIGHTS OUT at 10pm as though I were in Alcatraz, the day when I can't go to sleep at 3am if I feel like it, the day when I stop going out to clubs and bars because I judgementally think there is nothing good to be had there, the day I finally believe that God is located in a Turtles ASS...(albeit in nature).... is the day I slit my wrists and call myself an atheist.

haha.. well.. I hope you "get" the idea~ ...

I KNOW that spirituality exists EVERYWHERE.. in the day and in the night and in the shadowy halls at 3am.. it exists in the mirrorball at the club, in the throbbing pulsating beat and the silences between a techno tune. It exists in the smile of woman looking at a man.. or at a woman.. it exists in the iridescent sparkles that you put into your hair for a good time on a Saturday night.. the same ones that prelude a prism of unfaltering colors formed into a vision of a rainbow cross.. declaring itself alive and radiant in the air above the grim gray asphalt... a resplendent sight for noone but me..beauty inappropriately juxtaposed between carports, beauty unveiled on my whim..

People..there are more unknowns to be known and more things to be learned in the oddest places than you have ever imagined.. then you can ever imagine.. and to think that spirituality only exists in nature.. in Sedona, in traveling to vortices to catch a ray of illumination, or even in a church, IS THE SINGLE MOST AND GREATEST MISUNDERSTANDING of what it means to be a spirit having a natural human spiritual experience.

To be human means to appreciate whatever time in life you are born into.. life is what you make it and technology is only one more interesting layer to add onto the soul/human experience.. anyone hating their body, longing for death, contemplating their navel and living a life that is not balanced by believing that one must "do this or do that because everyone else is doing it".. or the belief that sex is bad, or that "differences" are negative or unnatural.. all these beliefs stemming from drastic ideas of spirituality or otherwise, is missing the point of life. Life is to be enjoyed for ALL THE GOOD that is available.. and to deny us NOT A THING... NOTHING.

At this point, if you divide up the penis telling jokes between these two men, Howard Stern has GOT to be having more fun.

Totally rude, arrogant creep.. on the phone tonight

The guy who I initially met earlier this year, who I thought was going to be such a great person and friend.. slowly dissolved into his own rude self. I of course, could have seen that coming a mile away, and DID, because of his absences. He sounds like a spoiled, childish, uncaring bitch of a man, who obviously needs to learn a few HARD LESSONS in life. I will GUARANTEE HIM that he meets NOONE of worth unless he changes that disrespectful shallow, disregarding attitude of his. My predications have ALWAYS COME TRUE..and this one is no different. I don't know what the hell happened to him to make him such a shallow transparent prick, but he was warning me of other men, and the whole time I was listening, I knew that the apple wouldn't fall far from his tree. People tend to be like what it is that they know, and this man KNEW most men were "losers". I sensed all along he had the capacity in his own soul to be just as much a loser, just as much a predator as the rest. I called to clear up the air, not to salvage things, but to tell him I didnt appreciate his stupid online remarks. I could hardly get a word in edgewise because he was (immaturely) talking over me. He didnt CARE about what I had to say. (bad sign) he just wanted to ramble incoherently. the man has NO SELF AWARENESS! He is DELUSIONAL. He thinks he's a good person, but because I told him he wasnt nice and that i didnt appreciate what he said, he told me on the phone "well then take a fucking leap". then the non communicating loser hangs up, just to get the last word in, like a woman!

Also, after his rude online comments, he started to message one of my OTHER ONLINE SCREENAMES!!! He thought that was another woman! So that shows he's a playing cheater who can't concentrate on one woman at a time. I mentioned this to one guy and he just calmly said to me "be glad that he did this, because now you know what is his character". No kidding. I told him on the phone that was me, and he was cornered. He didnt know what way to turn, which is why he just cussed me out in the end. A cornered little boy, Not A Man.

The funny thing about this, is that he has to live with his actions, and realize the reason he has NOONE, is that he doesnt know how to treat a woman respectfully. I am merely standing up for my own self and my rights. I don't know where he gets off treating people shabbily, but it will only come back on him, to bite him in the ass. Guaranteed.

Then theres this chiro guy...

Im chatting with him now.. Im dead tired and this guy.. I dont really know him well.. is very cocky and with a very devil may care, shrug you off nature, tells me to call him, or its my loss. What kind of person IS THAT???! Certainly noone that I would feel I would consider a loss if I never spoke to him before! At first I thought he was a nice person, then he vanished,.. without telling me he would leave.. 3 months later, he turns up and helps himself to my number after a long absence and his explanation, for leaving again (this is now the second time he vanishes without telling me he's going to vanish) was that he doesn't even tell all his friends when he's leaving. HELLO! I think he wants MORE than friends!! He crawls up my ass and annoys me. He once said on the phone "I don't feel like I have to IMPRESS YOU". Shit! Then what do I get.. crap? I need to be impressed! Theres precious little out there that seems worth having that is in the form of a male. He admitted that himself too.. and warned me of the predatory nature of man.. yet after telling me that.. a little later he's asking me what I wear to bed at night. Yes.. this is the same guy that asked me if I could help out an "asexual man". I still don't know what that means. Don't you hate it when a person has to CELEBRITY NAME DROP in order to seem important. Yet he CLAIMED he didnt have to "IMPRESS ME". Isn't that an attempt at trying to impress someone? Either way, this is all BULLSHIT. More bullshit and candidly, very little depth and substance. I am way too DEEP to have to sit there and listen to someone who obviously doesnt give a shit, tell me they want me to call them and talk with them on the phone.

So many men have no fucking idea how to talk with a woman, what to say and NOT to say, know when to shut up, know that you shouldnt descend into ugliness..that it says more about them than it does myself. If I want to know a man who is uncaring and bitchy, I'll call a woman whos pms'ing!! Too many fags.. not enough real men!!! Why do I have to put up with these inflictions upon my countenance? Im someone tired and really need to go into king Tuts tomb and sleep the sleep of the dead.. but men like this seem to think they have something provocative to say. This one, and the other few who can't SEEM TO DIVORCE who they are married to, and the one that seems balanced until he, almost immediately asked "Do you have drama in your life?" The only kind of person who has drama in their lives are the people who have to ASK that sort of question. Im sick of ye all!!!!!!! I need to go to a spa and get away from low i.q.'ed, low expectation, DUMB ASS MOTHAFUCKAHS!! (as Chris Rock would say!)

Is that you Brutus?

Don't have much time to write.. so many shimmering thoughts, desires, goals to reach, so few elongated moments.. fending off assholes and wrinkles in times. Where art thou man of mine?!.. sublime.. and not into anal.... Im so damn tired.. where is the profundity? Well its coming. Tonight I was actually NOT harrassed by an online jerkwad who wants to have sex with my picture. Noone offered their dick on cam, and no angry metaphysical dude with an inferiority complex challenged my idea of why I think I am not part of the collective. Its been a good night. Yes! it has. Oh and somehow.. one of the women in activeworlds thinks Im hilarious and we would get along famously if ONLY she didnt live 1,243,321,98 miles from me!!!

Truly not

amadeuswashere: I have to tell you something
TrulyNotListening: yes
TrulyNotListening: what?
amadeuswashere: it may or may not mean anything to you, or be understood by you
amadeuswashere: or hit you the way it hits me
amadeuswashere: well I have to be very careful who I expose myself to
amadeuswashere: no jokes please
amadeuswashere: Im in a state where I am vunerable and its too easy to feel damaged
amadeuswashere: by thoughtless acts, words and deeds
amadeuswashere: even those that men SUPPOSEDLY think would not be hurtful
TrulyNotListening: hang in there
amadeuswashere: these days every negative thing that a man does against me only further serves to warn me that I was correct
amadeuswashere: and that I must be very careful
amadeuswashere: but moreso than anything else I have to be careful who I spend time around
TrulyNotListening: true
amadeuswashere: I dont want to spend time with a man who just wants sex and will DUMP ME if he doesn't think "We fit right"
TrulyNotListening: I am trying to rebuild sections of my life right now
amadeuswashere: or something like that..whatever his explanation is
amadeuswashere: yeah well who isnt
TrulyNotListening: I am creating a lot of spin and getting nothing accomplished
amadeuswashere: I just feel that i was reckless in my choices of who to spend time with, who to talk and share with, who to use the time I have left in my life
amadeuswashere: well thats what I feel like im spinning on a bike that has no chain
TrulyNotListening: so true
amadeuswashere: if I spend good time ..chunks of my available time on people who just move on too fast when I thought we were building something
amadeuswashere: how many times must i have to go through this?
amadeuswashere: I don't want to keep experiencing it over and OVER again
TrulyNotListening: I know...hey I am getting outta here for the night
amadeuswashere: and have no reassurances from the other person.. is worse
amadeuswashere: running away?
TrulyNotListening: No...need to sleep...just like u need to
amadeuswashere: I had something extremely important to tell you
TrulyNotListening: ok...
amadeuswashere: this is my point
amadeuswashere: its what Im talking about
amadeuswashere: I have to be very careful who I "share" my feelings with
amadeuswashere: maybe you should re-read this when you arent as tired
amadeuswashere: but even if I am tired, I know how i am, and what I truly want
amadeuswashere: I dont want to be fucked with
amadeuswashere: thats number one
amadeuswashere: and I feel i was fucked with
amadeuswashere: Its harder to trust
amadeuswashere: I was getting to know you
amadeuswashere: and I was going to meet you
TrulyNotListening: Keep the faith
amadeuswashere: but you just went away
amadeuswashere: its not me that went away, it was YOU
TrulyNotListening: That's why I am trying to get a handle on my life right now
amadeuswashere: I have the faith
amadeuswashere: Why are you trying to do that.. what FOR?
TrulyNotListening: I need some realignment...no focus
amadeuswashere: why havent you found that?
amadeuswashere: whats stopping u?
TrulyNotListening: too busy doing everything and accomplishing nothing

A study in Mediocrity

Im really tired tonight.. my head is swimming a bit. I know I must go to bed soon. I did a five hour online hypnosis session on Sunday and Im still paying for it. The session did not end until 7am.. it threw off the rest of my day. I am glad to help, improve, heal and inspire..but must remember to take care of "me". (after all noone else will)

Getting to know some new "online men". More cops are responding to that ad. Why, I know not. (therefore I don't know..lol) Sick of LOL'ing when Im really LI. (laughing inside)

My dream came true as did my meditation. I met a man online who matches the names that I got during these states of reverie. Talk about great. I dont know what happened to my friend Talmadge, he is supposed to contact me for some massive, major hypnotic JIMSUM OOGGA BOOGA OYE COMO VA oy mommi hypno fantastica!!!! BUT HE SEEMS to have dropped off this planet.. as so many do..... Hmmmm

Experiences with online men

One only wonders if the "Online male" is the same male you see walking down the street, in your office, at Starbucks, and seen anywhere else on the face of this globe. Many professional men abhor the net, and are quick to tell me, from having answered my personal, that they are NOT the typical online male, that they DO NOT chat online, and they are "very very busy busy" men. All this sounds very insecure as they repeat that they do not want to have anything to do with being lumped into that twisting human pile of predatory snakes that is the typical male. The wanton, confused, insecure hummingbird pollenating the online flowers.

What is more odious than someone overly confident? You've got to wonder what they are hiding. Noone can be THAT confident. I would never want to be that fake. There is this guy I recently met online, he claimed he wasn't "like other men" (something I hear pretty often) and proceeded to tell me how men are, as if I were totally naive and had to be informed. He continued to tell me of these predators, and later on in the phone conversation, he HIMSELF began to ask me what I wore to bed at night! He asked many inappropriate queries. I happen to have a sarcastic at times, racous humor..and I wasn't sure if he was joking or serious. While it was happening, I played it off as a joke. He made other off color comments such as "could you help out an asexual man?". I didnt know what he meant at the time.. later I wondered if he was referring to himself. I know he had been celibate for a while. By the time I hung up the phone, I was angry. I don't feel I DESERVE this sort of shabby treament. Im a woman of virtue, class and deserve to be respected. There seems to be too many sharks out there. Sometimes my humor is easy to see as blue, and I think many men play on that.. and twist it so that they can insert a lascivious question. Personally, Im fed UP with dealing with these mental midgets. Im not taking it anymore!!!

The author of this blog 

i 

vampy huh 

author 

I guess you can't publish photos here. Hmm.. I think.

The subject is men. I am a woman.. I am beginning to think that men and women arent even remotely compatible with each other and there is a massive brainwashing at hand. Many important things that women feel are profoundly integral to their happiness are deemed stupid, and sometimes superficial by many men. Noone seems to understand the art and grace that is involved and enmeshed in the skill of conversation. One must not disacknowledge another when there is a problem at hand. When a woman is very direct and tells her friend or partner what is bothering her, the other person ought not become defensive, but agree to resolve the situation. When the man does nothing and continues the bad behavior, in many cases you are left with NO choices but to simply "move on" and away from that individual. Its best to pay close attention to the little signs and clues at the beginning of the friendship or relationship. I should say "relationship" to cover any sort of interpersonal communication that is friendly and supportive, but have to at times distinguish between co-worker, acquaintance, shopkeeper, friend, booty call, boyfriend/girlfriend, and wife/husband. (more later)

Next chapter: Oh what to do on this boring day. Go shopping or talk about assholes. Next!

This is how we do it..do it

So I was looking for a preponderance of information on the web.. typing in various goofy phrases into yahoo search fields.. when I happened upon some poor girls depressive blog about her inane youth and melodramatic life. "Kids really suck these days" I thought to myself... remembering how they have sex younger than ever and go on the pill so quickly. Then I reflected upon my own "youth" and knew I had the stamina to wait to have sex till the age of 24. After a while it became a test of my own inner strength. Obviously noone could influence or affect me to have sex, and the longer I waited, the more interesting it got for me.

I hope to write out my thoughts.. to establish some sort of clearing in my mind. I will simply write out what I am thinking.. my thoughts on a plethora of subject matter.. most of it paranormal I imagine. I should call this "Blog" the X files.. (smiles)