All is not going so well for me right now. I know this too shall pass..but it feels interminable......
I spent a whole four day weekend (because I took Friday off as I had to be here for the overflowing sink)
& was left, basically, to my own devices. I have been so giving, and so "there" in the lives of the people
I have chosen to bond with. I have chosen quite a few different people, at the moment, all of them men,
and I have set out to become closer to them, in the hopes that with all of them, I might find great, close friendship
for all our lives, and with one of them, something more than great friendship, something more intimate and more
enticing.
In all this vast time..5 years that I have been single..that I have been there for others.. I sometimes wonder.. what happened?
They are not there for me. I seem to find so many men busy with the children they had with other women..and USING them
as an excuse either not to see me, or because they can't see me during the times I have time available. I did not create
a personal so that I might stare at the wall on a Saturday night.. or watch another re-run of Late night at the Apollo.
That is not the intent I had when I wrote the personal. I desired intimate, close, ties with people.. in a circle of friendship.
I desired someone loyal, available, and true. I dont want to elongate on all my desires. I don't wish to spill forth with
example after example of how I am there for others and they are not for me..just trust me.. when I write what I do.
What I do want to know.. is HOW can I find the people Im looking for? How do I choose who to focus on when there are
hundreds of men that come to my online non-physical door.. over a few months time? How am I supposed to know who
to focus on? I used to think that if someone had something in common with me, such as metaphysics - that would create a bond..
at times it DOES.. but that by itself does not....as the being of the soul has to have chemistry with me as well.. in whatever
capacity.
Overweight and bad looks arent a problem if we are to be friends, yet I would also want them to be around so that we
may have a long friendship.. if they are not taking care of their weight .. who will? If not them, who? I can only help
them with hypnosis, and that is a great and gradiose thing, but they have to remove the donut.. or whatever it is...
from their mouths.. they can, if I help them through hypnosis.. but I can't always be helping everyone all the time. Who
is helping me.
Im not here to say that Ive never been given too. I have. My friend Doug has been there when noone else has.. there
must have been a portal open when we met online, because he was the right person who came along.. and he has been
generous, giving..although he has all his issues to deal with. I am glad that he was in my life.. to help me during times
that were so stressful.. ie: when all my kittens were dying from the colds during 911.. I couldnt even watch 911 when I was
having a 911 of my own.
I guess thats why watching Vanilla Sky later that year. HIT ME SO HARD.. watching Tom Cruise jump out of that virtual
reality skyscraper in that metropolis. It plunged me into a depression..and that is what caused me to find the healer
that I knew would be out there. I knew that was the answer for my depression.. that wasnt leaving.
Interesting how one event, gives birth to another.. if one is crafty and intuitive enough to THINK and know what would
be the right healing modality..and then to find it and use it. One event created another, in perfect sync.
Anyway.. getting back to where I was....I accept now that I have been putting too much time and focus on men
out of STATE, or who are unavailable.. or in another country. TOO busy with kids that they are obsessed with.. and probably now.. men
who work in the entertainment field with ungodly hours and are never around to do things with. No wonder they all
commiserate among themselves. They end up marrying their nannies and the donut shop girl.. those CLOSEST IN PROXIMITY
to them. What imaginations.... (that was sarcasm of course.. that is NO imagination for them..)
I accept this.. although a while ago..perhaps a year or two.. I could see that I was wasting time on the wrong men.. but then I cut it out..
and yet..and yet.. I see them come to me in waves.. long tedious wastes of time.. men who will NEVER MOVE from their
homeland..far far and away...who are we all kidding here? If anything, they would expect me to move for them.. being men,
and most having such naturally large egos.. as would dictate a man to be. They call it confidence.. and with these egos
they would wish to humiliate or put down others .. to repress others.. this I write only because its reminding me of something
that I have been around lately. What is more weak...than a man who cannot be assenting but would instead insist that another,
namely, a woman, feel less than he, in order for him to flap his wings like a proud eagle?? That is not only animalistic, it is
childish. Where did these ideas come from?? A mother no doubt, spoiling her young baby son..at his beck and call..but when a man
grows up.. does he not know that a woman is not his mother?.. a thing to be put out of sight.. or like a slave, only to speak when
spoken too? To cast indifference upon, or worst yet.. TAKE FOR GRANTED.. as what happens to me so much, because I am so loyal
and "there for others".
What kind of weak man would want such a condition.. and I want a strong man who would not vibrate at the callous
and ridiculous levels of human drama such as one person, regardless of gender, suppressing and repressing another..because he is
so caught up in his gender role as a mortal. Perhaps he's forgotten who he is..but with all the funeral parlors around, how can that be?
I suppose most humans are in trance.. here only to marvel at the luminous displays of material oddities.. gleaming there like fresh pears
to be picked.. when in essence the only thing that matters would be food..and not such trivialities. They are hypnotised by life
and all the stupidities of life.. and that is NOT HOW I AM. I seek something pure, unfiltered and yet, nameable.
What is the key, the answer.. what should I look for.... what should I omit.. I have been burning bridges like crazy lately so much so that
you may see the lambent glow flicking in my eyes. I do believe that my spirit guide sent me a codeword that is a sign, to give me a hint when I meet someone and am talking to them on the phone. If they utter this word, they are NOT the one.. I should be with. I know the word.. of course I can't tell you it here.. or ever. Suffice to say, it has been a good secret word that has already helped me enormously.
What is your suggestion.. I wonder if it would be a good one.. to know WHO to focus on.. the suggestion (s) that will give me all the important
elements I seek.. the creativity, keenness and quickness of perception, the discernment... the intelligence and thoughtfulness I seek.. the generosity and availability that is so important. The feeling that I am special when I am around him and even when I am not, the specialness not spoken out of rote, but raw honesty. . The eyes on ME and not another.. the loyalty of a friend.
Its not as tho I am "picky", as some are quick to say or inquire. I simply like myself more than ever and know that if I were
to choose ONE.. it would be someone deserving of us both.. someone magnificent.. someone wonderful, loving, right and true.
That wild interminable waste of waves. --Grainger. "Shall not be a wave that I would use more" - Me
I spent a whole four day weekend (because I took Friday off as I had to be here for the overflowing sink)
& was left, basically, to my own devices. I have been so giving, and so "there" in the lives of the people
I have chosen to bond with. I have chosen quite a few different people, at the moment, all of them men,
and I have set out to become closer to them, in the hopes that with all of them, I might find great, close friendship
for all our lives, and with one of them, something more than great friendship, something more intimate and more
enticing.
In all this vast time..5 years that I have been single..that I have been there for others.. I sometimes wonder.. what happened?
They are not there for me. I seem to find so many men busy with the children they had with other women..and USING them
as an excuse either not to see me, or because they can't see me during the times I have time available. I did not create
a personal so that I might stare at the wall on a Saturday night.. or watch another re-run of Late night at the Apollo.
That is not the intent I had when I wrote the personal. I desired intimate, close, ties with people.. in a circle of friendship.
I desired someone loyal, available, and true. I dont want to elongate on all my desires. I don't wish to spill forth with
example after example of how I am there for others and they are not for me..just trust me.. when I write what I do.
What I do want to know.. is HOW can I find the people Im looking for? How do I choose who to focus on when there are
hundreds of men that come to my online non-physical door.. over a few months time? How am I supposed to know who
to focus on? I used to think that if someone had something in common with me, such as metaphysics - that would create a bond..
at times it DOES.. but that by itself does not....as the being of the soul has to have chemistry with me as well.. in whatever
capacity.
Overweight and bad looks arent a problem if we are to be friends, yet I would also want them to be around so that we
may have a long friendship.. if they are not taking care of their weight .. who will? If not them, who? I can only help
them with hypnosis, and that is a great and gradiose thing, but they have to remove the donut.. or whatever it is...
from their mouths.. they can, if I help them through hypnosis.. but I can't always be helping everyone all the time. Who
is helping me.
Im not here to say that Ive never been given too. I have. My friend Doug has been there when noone else has.. there
must have been a portal open when we met online, because he was the right person who came along.. and he has been
generous, giving..although he has all his issues to deal with. I am glad that he was in my life.. to help me during times
that were so stressful.. ie: when all my kittens were dying from the colds during 911.. I couldnt even watch 911 when I was
having a 911 of my own.
I guess thats why watching Vanilla Sky later that year. HIT ME SO HARD.. watching Tom Cruise jump out of that virtual
reality skyscraper in that metropolis. It plunged me into a depression..and that is what caused me to find the healer
that I knew would be out there. I knew that was the answer for my depression.. that wasnt leaving.
Interesting how one event, gives birth to another.. if one is crafty and intuitive enough to THINK and know what would
be the right healing modality..and then to find it and use it. One event created another, in perfect sync.
Anyway.. getting back to where I was....I accept now that I have been putting too much time and focus on men
out of STATE, or who are unavailable.. or in another country. TOO busy with kids that they are obsessed with.. and probably now.. men
who work in the entertainment field with ungodly hours and are never around to do things with. No wonder they all
commiserate among themselves. They end up marrying their nannies and the donut shop girl.. those CLOSEST IN PROXIMITY
to them. What imaginations.... (that was sarcasm of course.. that is NO imagination for them..)
I accept this.. although a while ago..perhaps a year or two.. I could see that I was wasting time on the wrong men.. but then I cut it out..
and yet..and yet.. I see them come to me in waves.. long tedious wastes of time.. men who will NEVER MOVE from their
homeland..far far and away...who are we all kidding here? If anything, they would expect me to move for them.. being men,
and most having such naturally large egos.. as would dictate a man to be. They call it confidence.. and with these egos
they would wish to humiliate or put down others .. to repress others.. this I write only because its reminding me of something
that I have been around lately. What is more weak...than a man who cannot be assenting but would instead insist that another,
namely, a woman, feel less than he, in order for him to flap his wings like a proud eagle?? That is not only animalistic, it is
childish. Where did these ideas come from?? A mother no doubt, spoiling her young baby son..at his beck and call..but when a man
grows up.. does he not know that a woman is not his mother?.. a thing to be put out of sight.. or like a slave, only to speak when
spoken too? To cast indifference upon, or worst yet.. TAKE FOR GRANTED.. as what happens to me so much, because I am so loyal
and "there for others".
What kind of weak man would want such a condition.. and I want a strong man who would not vibrate at the callous
and ridiculous levels of human drama such as one person, regardless of gender, suppressing and repressing another..because he is
so caught up in his gender role as a mortal. Perhaps he's forgotten who he is..but with all the funeral parlors around, how can that be?
I suppose most humans are in trance.. here only to marvel at the luminous displays of material oddities.. gleaming there like fresh pears
to be picked.. when in essence the only thing that matters would be food..and not such trivialities. They are hypnotised by life
and all the stupidities of life.. and that is NOT HOW I AM. I seek something pure, unfiltered and yet, nameable.
What is the key, the answer.. what should I look for.... what should I omit.. I have been burning bridges like crazy lately so much so that
you may see the lambent glow flicking in my eyes. I do believe that my spirit guide sent me a codeword that is a sign, to give me a hint when I meet someone and am talking to them on the phone. If they utter this word, they are NOT the one.. I should be with. I know the word.. of course I can't tell you it here.. or ever. Suffice to say, it has been a good secret word that has already helped me enormously.
What is your suggestion.. I wonder if it would be a good one.. to know WHO to focus on.. the suggestion (s) that will give me all the important
elements I seek.. the creativity, keenness and quickness of perception, the discernment... the intelligence and thoughtfulness I seek.. the generosity and availability that is so important. The feeling that I am special when I am around him and even when I am not, the specialness not spoken out of rote, but raw honesty. . The eyes on ME and not another.. the loyalty of a friend.
Its not as tho I am "picky", as some are quick to say or inquire. I simply like myself more than ever and know that if I were
to choose ONE.. it would be someone deserving of us both.. someone magnificent.. someone wonderful, loving, right and true.
That wild interminable waste of waves. --Grainger. "Shall not be a wave that I would use more" - Me
2 comments:
If you want to contact me, WRITE ME AN EMAIL..why are you writing here? Its tiresome!
I wish you would stop posting on my blog.. its wrecking its look by your marring it. You never have anything positive to say and its a downer.
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