HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

Ok.. well tonite Im a bit depressed.. it started with my landlady coming over for the rent money.. and instead of chit chatting about normal positive upbeat things, she asks intrusive and rude queries such as "hows your job, still stable?" and "how many cats do you have?". That one really depressed me, as I signed on the lease that I had FOUR cats and she knows that. I replied "4" and she did this mock aghast look, and I finished "but you knew that" and she said "I didnt really know, I knew you had more than one". WHAT THE FUCK?? ITS ON THE LEASE! I told her before I even set foot into this apartment. :((( that TOTALLY bummed me out and set me off to worry about my pets some more.. never mind I thought they were in trouble from the wiring problem. Then I come home..and doug is telling me about his bucko bucks he is getting from the sale of his mothers house..and how his brother is going to give him an advance cus the check hasnt "come in yet".. and he is quitting his job in less than a week cus he's got "F U money". Meantime he screamed at the top of his lungs to me on the phone, simply because I asked him to stay at my apt. while I was at my work. I lost a whole weeks pay cus I HAD TO STAY HOME because of this electrical wiring problem. :( Wish I had FU MONEY!!!! It was so depressing to hear how good his life is.. and all he had for me a week ago was raging screams.

Then I get home, and L who is an online friend, tells me he's off to Vegas to see sexy women dance and strip probably, but that "he really doesnt want to go" (thats hard to believe).. and every time I want to get closer, I hear something like that from him, that totally sends me in the opposite direction, and I close up instead of opening up. This is a guy who claims he wants to settle down and have a "family".. well if this is what he wants.. he sure is messing it up. I guess in the end I got more depressed, cus I feel I will never find the right man. Esp. at my age.. how long do I have anyway? Lololol.. I felt so bad.. like a dark cloud descending.. its not like when Im in my 20's.. back then, you had SO MUCH TIME to deal with.. plenty of aces up yer sleeve.. now I feel.. there are only so many men.. and in my personal, I keep getting responses from silver hairs who have one foot in the grave.. N puhleese!

I just want a companion..someone to do things with.. to spend time with.. who respects my pets..and doesnt see them as a distraction or detraction. I want happiness.. it remains elusive..do you realize that in Jan. of 2005.. I will be single for FIVE YEARS??? That is disturbing..

I met two very nice down to earth men, Brian and Brad.. and they both appear to be salt of the Earth types. Brians a vegetarian, which always surprises me.. as I feel so alone in that.. so often. He seems very nice. I really don't know either man that well...they are very quiet and did not really give me a review of what they thought about me.. or what they want. As all men seem to do, they are very tightlipped... the depression lingers.....